this is the place where i can bear my soul to the world and yet remain somewhat anonymous.

recently i have decided that my religion ( catholisism) is not all that its cracked up to be. for this is why i am considering practicing wicca. i have read books and learned that it takes time and you cannot transform yourself into a witch in a matter of days, if you do everything right the process could take up to 2 years to complete. no im not a freak. witches do not have lights surrounding their hands when they do a magic spell as hollywood has led us to believe. although that would be really cool. i would have to say that perhaps (Even though this is haollywood) willow from buffy had given me the idea. of course it would be dumb of me to think that would be considered witchcraft. no but just the idea of being a witch fasinates my mind. i have told 2 people of these urges. my twin shaun and my friend saba. now that i have mentioned "my twin" it is probably best to let you in on a secret. he isnt my twin. in no way are we related.

here is the story of how we became "twins" . we have ALL the same interests. end of story, man thats a long one.

by the way.. i write poetry. quite a lot too. recently i have sent in 2 of my favorite poems into contestss and dare i say both have become semi-finalists. but its not the money i want. its the fact that now my poems will be published. and i am only 16 years old. maybe when i am able to pry my pathetic face away from this light ( the screen for you idiots out there) i will find the poems and enter them into this diary.

now that i have brought that up, it is safe to say that most of my poems are love poems. dealing with none other than my first true love, John. yes this is the same john i spoke of in my last entry.

heres the story of our love...

we met when i was dating chris (once again the one i mentioned earlier) and we hated each other with a deep passion. it is this same deep passion and shared hatred that turned into deep passion  but in another way. after chris and i finally stopped dating after a year and a half ( off an on . btw he broke up with me the last time ) john and i confessed our feelings. but low and behold who comes running back after i placed him into the box of unwanted memories.. yes chris. the night after i kissed johns lips for the first time, my ex and may i add johns best friend, messes things up. by telling us that he wants me back, john being the loyal friend he is would not hurt his friend. finally after a month and a half or so of this, john and i finally made it official we were a couple ( we had been "dating") after all that trouble and shit we went thru you would think it would last awhile. nope. 2 weeks later john told me adios. i immediatly turn to my friend shaun. after all he is my best friend. loyal to me but not to john as i see it. shaun asks me out, and in my vulnerable and crying histarical state i say yes ( this is a week after he broke up with me ) . but the next day i confide in saba that i do not want this relationship. its too late though, the friendship that may have still existed between john and i, was gone. and in turn john would not speak to me for 4 months and he made my life miserable. after 2 months of dating shaun i ended it telling him i was in love with john. ( eek i know.. love.. at my age? could it be?) to this day i am still not sure what it is i feel in the pit of my stomach for john. but my gut tells me it is love. the feeling that you cannot breathe , the breath is caught in your lungs but will not go anywhere, the speeding of your heart, pumping blood thru your body a mile a minute, and the dryness of your mouth that doesnt allow speech to come from within. yes thats how i feel. when his arms held me, i felt safe and loved for the first time in my life. he was and still is my first true love. whom i think about and dream about all day and night.  now let me say this..

john has told me a little over a month ago after i returned from my 10 day trip to france that he still had feelings for me. well that tickled my fancy. BUT ( yes there is always a but..) he had a g/f amanda was her name.

now him and amanda broke up, and yet john has not  acted as though he has the slightest interest in me. i believe he has the hots ( i cant believe i said that ) for this girl patty. whom is about my height but i say at least 10 pounds less than i. which is sad because i weigh 100 pounds even. this girl is deathly skinny and i feel that if i kicked her hard enough i could snap her in two. not that i would ever do that ;-) but yeah. i dunno maybe i feel this because i could be jealous of this petite girl. but i am not even sure this is the girl thats tickling johns fancy. i am assuming and  will not confide this to anyone because i do not want to be wrong.

now as i write this it is 3:31 am. and i am still not tired, not wanting to dream for i fear i will dream of a place too perfect that i can never achieve that perfection here on earth. sleep is for the weak. i am not weak.

but as i see my friend jessica is online, i think i will venture into a conversation with her.

i shall lay here but not whisper my goodnights for the only thing to follow is goodbye.