Friday, August 08, 2003
[ i'm so tired of being here ]
ok so yet another day here in my boring pathetic life...
hmm so i talked to john last night . i dunno why i put that on here, because i talk to him everynight? oh well im just retarded. i went to bed around 1:30 and around 1:45 jess IMed me, and needed to talk to me, but i didnt come back. i got the message this morning. i think its important. it makes me scared. hmm maybe im just paranoid. yeah thats it....
my friend thomas stole some i think it might have been alcohol from krogers last week, and he got caught. he never returned home, so as of i think 2 days ago at midnight, he was considered a runaway. so im kinda worried for him. i hope hes ok. :(
so im listening to Konstantine by Something Corporate. its so sad. it makes me want to cry. something corporate is my new obsession. i remember the first time i ever really listened to them, it was with john on the way to school. lol. but lately its all ive been listening to to. well thats a lie. ive been listening to Killswitch Engage and Senses Fail, and Story Of The Year, but whoa Something Corporate and those bands... big difference lol.
anyways..
"the present is just a pleasent interruption to the past." - Konstantine...
had to put that in there. i love that.
last night i got my pictures from France. :-D im sooo happy. lol i got the ones from Versailles, and some of the ones from the Eiffle Tower. and i got the ones from the Louvre with the Mona Lisa. :) and then some from the south of France, when we went on a boat ride. i still have 8 rolls to get developed. i lost one so i have to look all over for it today. if i dont find it i think i will cry. seriously. but i cry a lot anyways so it wont be a big change or anything.
i miss france. but i dont miss not being able to understand what they are saying. well i could understand some. but not much. that was the best experience of my life. well minus the part where danae and elise locked mine and abbys luggage in our room. lol and when we got in a stupid argument with lyndsey, heidi, and christine, but what else is new. they have never liked erin and i. and now jess got in on it too. but now days they wont say anything to me. its funny. cuz they will to everyone else, but not me. and i know they dont like me, but they dont have the guts to say anything to me. which i think is pretty funny.
i talked to my brother yesterday. hes in new york right now with his girlfriend, and when he gets back hes going to college in southern ohio. i hate to say it, but im going to miss him. we dont fight as much anymore. :(
its hard for me to believe that at the end of this school year, all my closest friends except 2 will be graduating. its gonna be hard on me. and im serious. john, ryan, chris, shaun, jack, megan and carie are all leaving me. shaun already told me he wasnt going to college, so ill still have him. i think though that for john, ryan, and chris, they will go to OSU. i dont think they are planning on going far away. if they dont live on campus, they will still live at home. lol. john will live on campus though, because i know he cant stand his parents. he will love to get out of there. but the only thing is, i wonder if they are going to pursue music. hmm dunno. as for megan and carie, i dunno what they are going to do.... my senior year it will be me, steph, thomas(hopefully), and Jen. thats for our group anyways. ill still have Litz, Erin, Jess, Katie, Saba, Emili, and Kt. notice all my guy friends are gone. lol. and dave and ricky will be graduating but they go to Groveport, they will probablky pursue music, or i dunno. dave went to eastland for architecture. so hmmm..... just the things to ponder in life.
anyways.... i have to go to arena next week to make my whole schedule. which is fucking gay. i liked the way they did it last year and the year before. they gave you a schedule and you went to arena to change it. grrrrrrrrrrrr... gay people. and now we have to have 8 periods and we get out at 2:16 instead of 2:00. and we start 5 minutes earlier this year at 7:20. last year we had 7 periods and if we were taking an 8th period we got out at 2:50. it was optional to take an 8th period. i hate our school.
im going to go now. i have to tell my mom that im leaving at 5 with megan. and around 6:30 we are going to the fair.
if you listen, listen close, you can hear when the heart stops, i saved the pieces, when it broke, and ground them all to dust. -AFI
my thoughts at 12:03 pm by fullcollapse
Thursday, August 07, 2003
[ until the day i die, i'll spill my heart for you ]
ok... so i sit watching All My Children..and ring ring. the phone does just that. so i check the caller ID . low and behold its none other than Dave. he calls and we talk about nothing while my show is on commercial. and he gets all mad when i let him go. im like dude your on vacation. but he said he was mad cuz his friends were being dumb so we was walking by himself on the beach. and he took his keys with him, so they couldnt take the Vibe and leave. i was just like oh im sorry. what else was i supposed to say?
get ready for this. this just proves im a geek. i love napoleon bonaparte. i watched a 2 hour documentary on him. too bad i learned all the same stuff this past year in Advanced Western Civilization. get this, when in english we got to pick any topic to do a report on, i picked napoleon. i should have actually picked buffy, but i didnt . oh well.
hmm so now its 4:02, its quite boring. i want to get out. but i have no license to be able to drive. although i should. afterall i am 16. but hmmm nope.
looking up,
into the sky of broken dreams,
i feel the life drain away from me,
as my last dream is pulled from my very being.
do not waste your pity on me i ask,
after i'm buried in that spot,
i'll come back,
i'll get a second shot.
these lies i feed myself,
are my only hope,
but now i put them on the shelf,
i lose myself to cope.
as the dreams fall tonight,
i enter a trance,
you're far out of sight,
but tonight we will dance.
um so now that i got that out... it was weird, i just started writing. hmm weird. no not really. thats how i am. if you can't tell.
my mom will be home soon. hopefully we will go get my france pictures. probably not though. she always says we will go do something, but finds someway to back out. like when i need to go shopping. and i realize now i dont ask as much as she thinks. sure when i go, i find many things i want, but hey everyone has wants. but i really want to go thrifting right now. shaun and i are supposed to go before school starts. but he has to take jack and adam, its a tradition to go thrifting together. weird if you ask me. but hmmm.... oh well..
well im talking to jess right now bout john and angie and what not. so im gone.
the light filters thru, edging the darkness back. only to have the shades of time pulled shut.
my thoughts at 04:11 pm by fullcollapse
[ i don't believe in you now ]
so i dunno really. im on my other computer now, but once again its being even weirder. oh well screw it.. right? yeah
john is going to trapt on friday with angie yeah he works with her. i know who she is. shes pretty. but i dont know why im getting upset. i mean he went out with amanda? but hmm i dunno.
im still lost on the dave thing. i didnt know there was still an "us". but hmm maybe it was because he was piss-ass drunk? i dunno. but i have a sudden urge to drown myself and my sorrows in a big beer. hmm... out of almost all the girls i know, most don't like the taste of beer. and i didn't at first, but hey now its great. lol. steph, saba, and emili, all believe i will come back to our high school reunion and i will be the alcoholic. i see it differently as i have discussed with erin. she and i will return being the only two not married. and then katie (m) and i have decided she and i will return all fat because all the italian foods we eat now. so heres what i will be when i go for my reunion ( saying i graduate of course) ... i will be the fat, alcoholic, unmarried one. hmm sounds like a good pick don't ya think?
hmm i realize now i just asked my blog a question, that surely it cannot answer. but hey when you're crazy such as i. its ok.
tomorrow im going to the Ohio State Fair with Megan and Carie. Litz had invited me last friday to go with her tomorrow. but it was going to be her, frank (her b/f), carmen, and melissa. so i passed.
this will be the 2nd year in a row i go with megan. john chris megan and i all went last year. but thats when john liked her and chris and i didnt know her. so she didnt say one word lol. also this is when i started liking john. long time i know.
anyways... its thundering outside my windows of my safe haven. or so i think of it as safe. i love thunderstorms. they are beautiful, with the streaks of lightening lighting up the sky. at night of course. but during the day such as the situation today, they calm me. the thunder is a comforting sound. and the smell after it rains is intoxicating.
september is going to be a great month minus school starting again. on the 23rd im going to see thursday in concert and then 2 days later on the 25th i get to see Taking Back Sunday and Saves The Day. how sweet is that? very. i know..
well i think i shall go now. ill update some later.. possibly..
theres a little in all of us. the deep passion, and urge to kill the one you love.
my thoughts at 12:22 pm by fullcollapse
[ i slit your throat for youre beautiful ]
one day... on day i swear i will understand the world. and its inhabitants. i am going to make sure of it. so dave has called me more today. he called me and told me how drunk he was. of course i was envious. but thats not the whole of it. he said i need to think about "us". like as if there was still an "us". i mean yes, i do have feelings for dave. BUT.. my love is john. even if im not with him, he will always be my love. and dave knows that. he said he couldnt think about dating someone who had feelings for someone else. well deeper feelings. and of course i do. but thats why i dont get why i have to think about us. my computer is being weird. or maybe its this site. it wont let me change my font or anything. im like uh dude thats jewish. oops i dont mean to offend anyone ( if i did im sorry) but anyways tomorrow i get my first 4 rolls of pictures back ( they are from france). well im in love with john thats all i am saying and now im going to go. hopefully the computer isnt retarded tomorrow. and i can do whatever with it. your eyes make me feel like a stranger in my own body, penetrating my very being, you're my drug. my thoughts at 12:28 am by fullcollapse
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
[ adding to this confusion ]
my thoughts at 12:42 pm by fullcollapse
[ the answer lies within ]
[ right now ] ...listening to something corporate.
so dave called me this morning? which i still can not figure out why. he's in holden beach right now. and me and him aren't dating anymore. so why call me? yeah i still have a tiny bit of feelings left for him, but i never wanted anything serious with him anyways. he was all like oh yeah im looking at the beach right now i was like "dude i was at the next beach over( Ocean Isle Beach, NC) for 2 weeks plus i went to france, i so have you beat" and he was like "well next year im going to arizona, california, florida keys, cancun, and the bahamas." i still have him beat, FRANCE beats all that. they don't speak english there, and its a 9 hour flight so he can kiss my ass.
oh well we shall not dwell on the past. and focus on the presesnt. and about my shower i need to take here soon. hmmm nah it can wait.
i'm a vegetarian, just another crazy thing about me. which also gets a lot of attention even though i dont want it to. all my friends try and get me to eat meat. ryan likes to put it right in my face. but what none of them know is WHY i dont eat meat. its not because i care about the animals ( dont get me wrong i do) but its because i dont even like meat. just one more thing to make me pshyco. well to some people anyways.
all my children is on in an hour. the only pathetic soap i watch. yes i know they are full of shit and retarded but steph made me watch it.
wow. i dont know what to say. weird.
ok hmmm my dad is still home. which im not sure why. i wish he would leave. i love being alone. in this life, its my escape. i can do whatever, and not care. music and poetry are my other escapes from this world. when i write im someplace else as i pour my feelings into words. and when i listen to music, my feelings are played out by their words.
what makes it so easy for you to be walking by? this question still plagues my tiny little thing we humans like to call a brain.
dont say a word,
i understand.
no use for sound,
we are one mind.
i see thru my eyes,
you see thru yours.
but the feelings,
those we share.
sorry random poem. that tends to happen to me. the words just flow out.
i think i am going to go get on my other computer. so as soon as i get on, i will write another entry. because thats what i need to keep myself from going insane. i have to bear myself and let out my thought before they take over my brain and i become a stranger in this body.
close your eyes, ill take you away, and then i'll slit youre throat. because i love you.
my thoughts at 12:01 pm by fullcollapse
[ sleep is for the weak ]
here in my world i like to believe that i do not need to sleep. as dave has told me before, sleep is a world untrue. so why sleep when you can look outside and see total black and darkness. its beautiful.
in my last entry i dared to venture into the dark pits of my mind and reveal my depression. SHOCK. no not really but like i said i only tell litz about these feelings and thoughts that dwell deep under this mask i wear and show to the world. for she is the only one who has dealt with these very same emotions in her 16 years on this little 3rd planet.
now i feel as if i should tell anyone who is dumb enough to still be reading this what it is that i like...
- buffy the vampire slayer - angel (the tv show) - smallville- that 70's show - wicca - vampires - anything supernatural - music - and much more -
i got bored with that ordeal.
this is the place where i can bear my soul to the world and yet remain somewhat anonymous.
recently i have decided that my religion ( catholisism) is not all that its cracked up to be. for this is why i am considering practicing wicca. i have read books and learned that it takes time and you cannot transform yourself into a witch in a matter of days, if you do everything right the process could take up to 2 years to complete. no im not a freak. witches do not have lights surrounding their hands when they do a magic spell as hollywood has led us to believe. although that would be really cool. i would have to say that perhaps (Even though this is haollywood) willow from buffy had given me the idea. of course it would be dumb of me to think that would be considered witchcraft. no but just the idea of being a witch fasinates my mind. i have told 2 people of these urges. my twin shaun and my friend saba. now that i have mentioned "my twin" it is probably best to let you in on a secret. he isnt my twin. in no way are we related.
here is the story of how we became "twins" . we have ALL the same interests. end of story, man thats a long one.
by the way.. i write poetry. quite a lot too. recently i have sent in 2 of my favorite poems into contestss and dare i say both have become semi-finalists. but its not the money i want. its the fact that now my poems will be published. and i am only 16 years old. maybe when i am able to pry my pathetic face away from this light ( the screen for you idiots out there) i will find the poems and enter them into this diary.
now that i have brought that up, it is safe to say that most of my poems are love poems. dealing with none other than my first true love, John. yes this is the same john i spoke of in my last entry.
heres the story of our love...
we met when i was dating chris (once again the one i mentioned earlier) and we hated each other with a deep passion. it is this same deep passion and shared hatred that turned into deep passion but in another way. after chris and i finally stopped dating after a year and a half ( off an on . btw he broke up with me the last time ) john and i confessed our feelings. but low and behold who comes running back after i placed him into the box of unwanted memories.. yes chris. the night after i kissed johns lips for the first time, my ex and may i add johns best friend, messes things up. by telling us that he wants me back, john being the loyal friend he is would not hurt his friend. finally after a month and a half or so of this, john and i finally made it official we were a couple ( we had been "dating") after all that trouble and shit we went thru you would think it would last awhile. nope. 2 weeks later john told me adios. i immediatly turn to my friend shaun. after all he is my best friend. loyal to me but not to john as i see it. shaun asks me out, and in my vulnerable and crying histarical state i say yes ( this is a week after he broke up with me ) . but the next day i confide in saba that i do not want this relationship. its too late though, the friendship that may have still existed between john and i, was gone. and in turn john would not speak to me for 4 months and he made my life miserable. after 2 months of dating shaun i ended it telling him i was in love with john. ( eek i know.. love.. at my age? could it be?) to this day i am still not sure what it is i feel in the pit of my stomach for john. but my gut tells me it is love. the feeling that you cannot breathe , the breath is caught in your lungs but will not go anywhere, the speeding of your heart, pumping blood thru your body a mile a minute, and the dryness of your mouth that doesnt allow speech to come from within. yes thats how i feel. when his arms held me, i felt safe and loved for the first time in my life. he was and still is my first true love. whom i think about and dream about all day and night. now let me say this..
john has told me a little over a month ago after i returned from my 10 day trip to france that he still had feelings for me. well that tickled my fancy. BUT ( yes there is always a but..) he had a g/f amanda was her name.
now him and amanda broke up, and yet john has not acted as though he has the slightest interest in me. i believe he has the hots ( i cant believe i said that ) for this girl patty. whom is about my height but i say at least 10 pounds less than i. which is sad because i weigh 100 pounds even. this girl is deathly skinny and i feel that if i kicked her hard enough i could snap her in two. not that i would ever do that ;-) but yeah. i dunno maybe i feel this because i could be jealous of this petite girl. but i am not even sure this is the girl thats tickling johns fancy. i am assuming and will not confide this to anyone because i do not want to be wrong.
now as i write this it is 3:31 am. and i am still not tired, not wanting to dream for i fear i will dream of a place too perfect that i can never achieve that perfection here on earth. sleep is for the weak. i am not weak.
but as i see my friend jessica is online, i think i will venture into a conversation with her.
i shall lay here but not whisper my goodnights for the only thing to follow is goodbye.
my thoughts at 03:37 am by fullcollapse
into this world, the one inside my head, is where you are beginning to fall. pardon me, for this is not for the "normal" people in this world. what you are about to indulge yourself in, is from the depths of my mind and soul. sometimes i feel, that i don't even belong, and i am the keeper of these thoughts. caution...don't say i didn't warn you.
this is the first entry. and i am going to say this is not my first online journal, blog, diary, whatever your little mind wants to call it. i have another one at www.freeopendiary.com. my name over there is none other than : -[ full collapse ]- if your little heart desires, check it out. it won't kill you.
now maybe i should say something about myself... here we go...
i'm kaitlin and i am a junior at reynoldsburg high school. its in ohio in the united states for those map challenged kids. i dare say that i am stereotyped ( gasp ) as a "punk" . please do not call me that, don't call me anything, but me. i am not your average 16 year old girl. i don't consider myself anything but an individual. i wear what i like, say what i want, and listen to what i feel like. don't judge me. and i quote the lead singer Amy Lee of the band Evanescence... "don't try to fix me, i'm not broken" . what i ask for you is merely to listen to me, not judge, or even understand, just listen.
in this diary ( hmm i made a funny.. song by the ataris ) i will speak of many creatures who call themselves my friends. their names are as follows... John, Shaun, Chris, Jack, Steph, Ryan, Dave, and Litz. don't get me wrong, i have other friends, but these are the ones i will speak of the most, also don't believe i have an overabundance of friends either. i'm not popular nor do i wish to be. i wish to enjoy my high school years ( haha ) but anyways.
my friends are in bands. Day Before Disaster consists of John (bass), Shaun(vocals), Ryan(guitar), and Chris(drums). this is the main band i listen to. in fact i would say i am the number one fan, or as john might say, the band slut. thats a story for another time though. now for the other band that consists of people i call friends... they go by, 2nd Day. the members of this quartet are Jack, Dave, Ricky, and Brian. Jack is the only member who attends RHS with me. Dave, Brian, and Ricky, all live in Groveport and go to Groveport Madison. Although Dave does spend half a day at Gahanna. but we won't venture into that for it is not point. my point is i am very involved with these bands. i have been with DBD (as you will hear me refer to them time and again) since their start. way back in 2001 ( long time i know) i have been to every show minus 2 because i was out of town. i guess you would call me their photographer as i have taken many many pictures of them. i have most recently put up a website with these so called photos. if your heart desires you may check it out. here is the link. http://dbdpicshome.tripod.com .
now on with my pathetically anal life...
i live with my mom and dad and older brother Morgan ( although he is going to college this fall ). i have four annoying dogs, but that is not important. recently my grandmother passed away (RIP). dunno why i put that in there except that it is still tremendously depressing. oh by the way this may be a good ( or not so good, depending on your view) time to say that i am usually depressed. no i have never gone to a doctor for it. i have no medication to take, and i have not yet tried to kill myself. ( but hey lets not give up hope now) of course i have thought about it. but never really been able to attempt anything. the closest i get is breaking down, breaking things, throwing things, and trying to cut myself with scissors( doesn't work that well when they aren't sharp). no one would believe this if they knew me. i try to face each day with a smile on my face ( haha) and usually i succeed until i return home to this hell hole of constant yelling and fighting. only my best friend litz knows about my crazy demented thoughts.
enough about that.. right now it is 3:00 AM here in this boring little town of reynoldsburg. i think i shall go, and perhaps sleep or even write another entry in my new journal deal.
[ please forgive me ]
my thoughts at 03:00 am by fullcollapse
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[ called ] Kaitlin
[ remix ] Kate, Kiddo, Katie ( to a select few anyways )
[ blows out the candles ] May 25
[ candles ] 16
[ brushes ] dark brown hair with red highlighs
[ sees the world thru ] brown eyes
[ stands at ] 5'1"
[ ear candy ] Finch, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, Further Seems Forever, Thursday, Evanescence, Saves The Day, Something Corporate, Dashboard, Juliana Theory, Weezer, AFI, Korn, Taproot, TRUSTcompany, Adema, Saliva, Day Before Disaster ( much love to you guys ), 2nd Day ( i love ya guys! ) much more...
[ latitude, longitude ] Reynoldsburg, Ohio
[ lives for ] shaun. but i'm still in love with John...complicated i know  the true love of my life lol
Now it has occurred and I can't escape, from these memories that run so deep, prevented of everything devoid of sleep, and my attempt at deletion remains incomplete.
Contact Me
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