[ full collapse ]

Thursday, August 14, 2003

[ what makes it so easy for you to be walking by ]

so after i took that personality disorder quiz, i started to wonder, what if i really do have it. so i look it up on the internet and here is what i find.

Borderline Personality Disorder

A person who suffers from this disorder has labile interpersonal relationships characterized by instability. This pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person's self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person's affect, or feelings. Relationships and the person's affect may often be characterized as being shallow. A person with this disorder may also exhibit impulsive behaviors and exhibit a majority of the following symptoms:

frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
chronic feelings of emptiness
inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

so i think i might actually have this disorder which wouldnt be cool at all. i dont wanna say anything to my parents about it, cuz i will just have to go to some pshyco who would try and help me, and i feel nothing is wrong, but apparently it is if this is a disorder. ill probably have to take medication. which is even worse. ok so now im actually scared i have this disorder. because ive read more and it really does sound like me.

maybe sometime soon, ill show my parents. but i dont think i can do it just now, im freaked.

im slipping in between you and your big dreams

my thoughts at 09:23 pm by fullcollapse
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[ it sure is lonely all by yourself ]

so im sitting here pondering the fact that if my friends really are my friends. they do stuff without me all the time. tonight everyone is going to the drive ins. am i invited? no of course not. why should i be? shaun, my best friend and twin doesnt even invite me. so its at this point i realized my friends could care less about me.

and am i supposed to be upset that patty is taking my place as the band slut? because i am. not that its like something to be proud of. but it was mine, all mine. if she tries getting any closer to dbd i swear i think ill cry. even dave told her, she was the dbd slut. i miss my friends. and hanging out. plus i dont think patty likes me. oh well i say fuck her. she can suck it.

everyone thinks shes some hot shit. well i think shes a piece of shit. thats all about her.

so i finished The Hobbit. in less than 24 hours. it was 300 pages. and to think i cant even get to page 10 in the great gatsby in like a month. i really need to read that. hmm i promise i will get on that someday.

so its times like this i miss saba. i really need to talk to her, and cry on her shoulder, and she will tell me this whole patty thing will blow over. shes totally taken my best friends from me. shaun, john, and chris. too bad saba is in either hawaii or california now. damn her.

ugh... dave even realizes that im always home with nothing to do. and thats sad when other people notice.

my bro asked me to go to sam ash with him, but he and my parents got into it and he just left, so i got stuck here.

well i havent got much to write. so im off.

if you died right now, know that i'd die too.

my thoughts at 08:40 pm by fullcollapse
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[ despite all my rage, i'm still just a rat in a cage ]

so now its 12:30 and im sitting here reading THE HOBBIT. great book. its the prelude to the Lord of The Rings trilogy. i've had these books at arms length for the longest time, and i knew my brother liked them so long ago, and yet i never once thought that i would enjoy them so much. so after seeing the movie and thinking about how much better books are, than movies. i came to the conclusion that i should read the books. although they did not make a movie about The Hobbit, one needs to read it and the journey of Bilbo Baggins before truly understanding everything about the movie. in the opening sequence frodo speaks to gandalf about being a disturber of the peace and how bilbo goes on an adventure about a dragon. but its not explained. this is where The Hobbit comes in. it tells the tale of Bilbo Baggins and how he came across the Ring. ok well now that ive bored you all to death...

im talking to erin and emili online. erin is starting a blog here.

john asked erin to the movies, but because erin loves me so much ( lol) she told him no. she said she couldnt go on a date with the boy that one of her best friends is in love with.

also ricky was horny tonight. i could tell just by the way he was acting. and i made him cheer up somehow yet im not quite sure how.

im waiting for john to get online. not sure why though. just the usual thing to do i guess.

and patty made out with shaun today. and shaun and i have reason to believe she made out with chris yesterday. and get this, she told shaun not to tell john or chris about them making out. im like ok thats retarded. looks like shes trying to take over my position as Band Slut. hmm looks like ill have to take her down. lol. and she really is the slut, making out with 3 of the guys, all within 4 days of each other. but i guess i dated them. but still man.. damn. she better not be trying to take my spot. lol . cuz she will not win.

well i think ill go back to reading the Hobbit. its hard to read and be talking to people online at the same time. ive only managed to read 20 pages in an hour. lol.

i should be reading the great gatsby as i have to for english. oh well. i have time..

its been so long, since i've seen your eyes, show me anything at all

my thoughts at 12:37 am by fullcollapse
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Wednesday, August 13, 2003

[ this is my last serenade ]

~BASICS~
1.What does your name mean? Kaitlin means "pure" haha
2.How old are you? 16
3.How old are you mentally (as in are you mature?)? sometimes im 16, sometimes im 25
4.Describe yourself in 5 words: depressed, caring, pessimistic, in love
5.What are your worst qualities: i look on the down side of everything, i get depressed, im in love with someone and i dunno how they feel about me.
6.What are your best qualities: im smart, i always have a smile when im around people, i try to have a big heart, i get along with almost anyone.
7.How long does it take you get get ready in the morning? 30 minutes-45 minutes

~SLEEP~
8.Do you dream at night? yup
9.Do you remember your dreams? yeah
10.Describe one: mr freeman was wearing a pink suit and i broke my earring and i showed him while me and him and my brother were walking in the middle of the road, then we meet john at huber, who invites me and my bro to go watch dog races.. thats one of the weirdest ones lol
11.What time do you go to bed usually? during school..12... during summer... whenver usually 2:30
12.What time do you wake up normally? school-6:20 summer-11:30
13.What time do you wake on weekends? 11:30
14.Do you find waking late nice or annoying? both
15.Do you sleep with one pillow or two? Neither, I sleep with 3

~SCHOOL~
16.Do you like school? yes and no
17.Why/why not? i see my friends/ i hate english
18.Whats your fave subject? history :)
19.Most hated subject? English
20.Do you have a fave teacher? Mr. Holmes.. he retired
21.Ever had a crush on a teacher? Nope
22.Are you a math/science person or an english/drama person? Math/science

~FRIENDS~
23.Do you have heaps of friends? no not really
24.Do you have a best friend? I have a couple
25.Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends? Guy friends
26.Do you ever get annoyed at any friend? Yeah, don't we all sometimes?
27.Have you ever lied to a friend? Yeah
28.Have you ever stolen a friends boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope

~FAMILY~
29.Do you like your parents? sometimes
30.Ever run away from home? nah
31.Ever thought about it? All the time
32.Do you have any siblings? yea
33.If so, do you like or get annoyed with them? Annoyed
34.How old are they? 18
35.If not, do you mind being an only child? .....
36.Do you feel your parents spoil you? not really
37.Do you not get along with any of your family? Yup
38.Do you have big family get togethers ever? no

~RELATIONSHIPS~
39.Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Not at the moment
40.If so, are you in love with them? I was with my last one.
41.Do they love you? hard to tell
42.How long have you been together? It was 2 months
43.Most romantic thing they've ever done for you? sang me a song at the coffee shop
44.Do you have a crush? Yup
45.If so, are you in love? Still am
46.Do they know you like them? Yup
47.Is it serious or playful? Serious (or WAS I should say)
48.How long have you liked them? july 2002
49.Ever done something stupid to impress them? nope
50.Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Ummm...what?
51.Do you find it romantic or hurtful? ?????
52.Even know what it is? Nah

~SEX~
53.Ever had sex? nope, came very close though
54.Believe that a person shouldn't have sex before marriage? Nah
55.Believe in casual sex? nah
56.When do you plan/when did you lose your virginity? people plan these things?
57.Did you regret it? since i havent how can i regret it?

~RELIGION~
58.Do you have a religion? Roman Catholicism, but i am thinking about practicing wicca
59.Do you practice it (i.e go to church)? nope
60.Do you believe in God? Yes
61.Jesus? Yes
62.Satan? no
63.Heaven? Yes
64.Hell? no
65.If you died tomorrow what do you beleive will happen to you? Go to Heaven
66.Does death scare you? somewhat

~MORALS~
67.Have you ever been drunk? Yup lol
68.Taken drugs? Just my medication ;-)
60.Stolen? no comment
61.Shoplifted? no comment
62.Tried to commit suicide? Never tried, thought bout it..
63.Lied to a boyfriend or girlfriend? we had just broken up.. it wasnt a lie when i said it!!!
64.Gotten into a fight? Oh, yeah lotsa times
65.Are you more innocent or guilty? GUILTY
66.Would you date a drug addict? sure. if thats how i felt about them
67.Have you ever had to look after someone who was a drug addict? No
68.Are you racist? ...i try not to be...but live in reynoldsburg and it gets hard
69.Are you discriminatory to anyone? .....
70.Have you been a hypocrite in the past? Yeah
71.Do you have an open or closed mind to other peoples beliefs and feelings? open

~MEDIA~
72.Do you watch tons of tv? nope only buffy, angel, smallville.
73.How many times have you been to the movies in the past 6 months? 10 times?
74.Do you listnen to the radio often? nope i never do
75.Do you read the newspaper? the comics
76.Do you read magazines? Yup
77.Are you a couch potato? not really
78.Do you use the internet too much? Haha OH YEAH

~MUSIC~
79.Whats your fave style of music? scremo, emo, "punk", rock, alternative
80.Do you play an instrument? the clarinet.. i used to anyways lol.
81.Do you sing? to myself
82.Whats your fave band/artist? finch, the used, thursday, taking back sunday, saves the day, weezer, evanescence, something corporate, senses fail, story of the year, killswitch engage, dashboard confessional, thrice, adema, korn, trustcompany, taproot, DAY BEFORE DISASTER AND 2ND DAY!!!!
83.Why? the emotions that go with emo and everything. i love korn because i can listen to it when im angry
84.Have you met them before? ive met trust company.. dbd and 2nd day yes lol
85. Name 3 cds that youve bought in that last year: thrice, taking back sunday, finch
86.Why did you buy them? cuz i love them

~SPORTS~
87.Whats your fave sport? baseball, football
88.Whats your fave sport to watch? football
89.Do you have a fave team of any sort? OHIO STATE BUCKEYES NATIONAL CHAMPIONS HELL YEAH
90.Do you play a lot of sports? no
91.Ever won anything for sports? medals in track

~PERSONALITY~
92.Are you funny or serious? Both
93.Creative or not? Creative
94.Logical thinker or lateral thinker? Huh?
95.Are you outgoing or shy? Outgoing
96.Are you lazy or active? Both
97.Have you ever been hyperactive? Yeah
98.Are you a naturally hyperactive person? Um nah I dont think so

~LOOKS~
99.Are you happy with the way you look? sure
100.What would you change? i dunno.
101.Do you wear makeup regularly? pretty much just foundation, blush, and eyeliner
102.Do you have a large wardrobe? nope, dont feel a need for it

~MONEY~
103.Do you have a job? yes
104.Do you like it? Not really, but hey I get paid without doing much
105.Are you a saver or a spender? both
106.Do you work hard or slack off? Both
107.Have you ever been fired? Nope
108.In trouble at work? Nah
109.Made a major mistake? no
110. Ever had money stolen from you? No
111.Are you always broke? Sometimes

~EMBARASSING MOMENTS~
112.Your all time most embarassing moment? i really dunno
113.Ever snorted drink out your nose? milk... lol
114.Ever giggled like an idiot? Oh yeah
115.Ever embarassed yourself and pretedned nothing happened? probably
116.Ever tripped in front of someone you liked? Yup, all the time
117.Ever said soemthing really stupid? All the damn time!
118.Ever snorted while laughing? i dont think so
119.Ever fallen off a bed? Yes
120.Ever sleepwalked? UM I dont think so
121.Ever sleeptalked? probably

~MEMORIES~
122.Whats your best memory? 07/30/02- Warped Tour and 01/11/03- the day John and I started officially going out.
123.Worst? 05/31/03-the day my grandma died.
124.Whats the wierdest memory you have? hmm i have a lot of weird memories
125.Do you have a good memory? Yup
126.Whats the coolest holiday you remember having? who knows

~THOUGHTS~
127.Ever had funny thoughts and laughed and no one understood you? yep!!
128.Whats the firs thought that comes to your head when you hear?
*Melissa: ew
*Bob: my dad
*Vanessa: Carlton
*Alyssa: history
*Jess: best friend
*Brian: 2nd day singer
*Charlie: brown
*Olivia: grease
*Drew: barrymore
*Lily: POTTER (HARRY'S MOM!!!!!)
*Anita: ummm
*cheese: yum
*rubber: duckie
*clothes: comfy
*big: dick
*dress: homecoming
*jacket: cold
*polyester: 70's
*kite: string
*washing: clothes

~THIS OR THAT~
129. Mulan or Moulin Rouge? Moulin Rouge.. never saw the movie. but ive been outside the real place
130. 7 Up or Dr. Pepper? 7 up
131. Coke or Pepsi? Coke even though i dont drink pop
132. Hamsters or Gerbils? neither
133. Rats or Mice? mice
134. The Swings or the Slide? Swings
135. Rollercoaster or Merry-Go-Round? merry go round
136. Sneakers, Sandals, or No Shoes? Sneakers
137. Italian or Mexican food? Italian. holy shit i cant live without it
138. Fast Food or Sit Down Restaurant? does wendys answer that
139. The Sun or the Moon? moon

~WHO'S~
140. Number one on your hit list? Heidi
141. On your aol instant messaging list? my friends
142. The person you talk to most online? shaun
143. The person you talk to least online? who knows
144. The person who calls you every other day? dave
145. Is there anyone that dumped you when you most needed them? i guess
146. The last person you talked to on the phone with? my mom, but other than that, dave
147. The person/people you're with the most? My family, and steph.
148. Never home? My brother
149. Always home? Me
150. Do you love? John M

my thoughts at 08:33 pm by fullcollapse
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[ i could stay here all day, but thats not how you feel ]

I have issues with...

discipline
broken
persecution
age
scars

Take Word Association Test

Your surface personality is Type 4	Your overall personality is Type 5w4

my thoughts at 07:27 pm by fullcollapse
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[ missing your bed, i never sleep ]

yeah.. last night wasnt a good night for me, as you can tell from the last entry.

i calmed down a little bit after i wrote that, i realized maybe i didnt wait long enough. people wait for a long time for love to find them. and well love may have found me, but it hasnt found him yet. and since you need two people to fall in love...

i watched attack of the clones today , and harry potter and the chamber of secrets.

got my france pics back. some really turned out bad. i think the xray machines at the airport messed them up.

i have 3 rolls left to get developed.

i havent been hungry today. and thats odd. its one of my lapses that happens alot. i go thru periods of time where i barely eat anything and my parents think im anorexic. and im not.

hmm well im gonna go.

maybe when the room is empty, maybe when the bottles full, maybe when the door gets broke down, love can break in.

my thoughts at 07:16 pm by fullcollapse
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[ dreams don't come true ]

arena today. made my schedule.

shaun made me realize i push everyone who cares about me away. well guys i mean.

ive been living in a dream world for too long. my hopes were up so high, that he would return the feelings. i couldnt tell what was real and what was dream. and now that i realize this, my tears flow like a river from my eyes. and i cant quite see straight.

love is destruction.

dreams are a myth. a legend. a fairy tale if you must.

but yet i feel that its still love that i feel for john. im pitiful. truly pitiful. im hopeless now too. i used up my hope. i held onto the little tiny things that meant nothing to him and meant everything to me. he was the reason i would have a smile on my face. and im beginning to wonder if i ever made him smile. did he ever feel as deeply as i do?

the way he looked at me, the things he would say, made me keep having hope. and im wondering if he did it to make me miserable. or if he did it for some other motive.

my imagination is running away with me. im only hoping for the worst. its only bad news from here.

the glass is half empty. but hasnt it always been that way?

ive begun my long downward spiral. depression is my best friend. i cant escape. not without hope.

once again i have to find it before anything changes

i was too much of a daydreamer. i though with time things would change.

did i not give it enough time. no i gave plenty. at least 7 months.

goodnight. i shouldve know he was a killer. but now im dead.

this is my last serenade.

my thoughts at 12:17 am by fullcollapse
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Monday, August 11, 2003

[ i'm not sure of anyone, but i've got friends ]

LAST PERSON WHO..
. Slept in your bed: Me
. Saw you cry: umm probably steph
. Made you cry: john
. Spent the night at your house: steph
. You shared a drink with: umm steph
. You went to the movies with: saba, emili, and kt
. You went to the mall with: saba, emili, and kt
. Yelled at you: my parents
. Sent you an e-mail: dunno havent checked lately
. Said they were going to kill you: i dunno probably my brother a long time ago

HAVE YOU EVER..
. Said "I love you" and meant it? yes to chris, and i wish i could have got the chance to tell john i love him.
. Gotten in a fight w/ your dog/cat/bird/fish,etc.? umm actually i think i have.
. Been to New York? yep
. Been to Florida? yep
. California? yep
. Hawaii? No but saba is there right now!
. Mexico? Nope
. China? Nope
. Canada? yes
. France? yep!!!!!!
. Danced naked? i think so
. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day? nope
. Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened? oh yeah.
. Wish you were the opposite sex? nope
. Had an imaginary friend? nope

. Red or blue? red
. Spring or fall? spring
. Santa or Rudolph? Rudolph
. Math or English? math
. What are you going to do after you finish this survey? je ne sais pas
. What was the last food you ate? a snickers
. High school or college? well im in high school right now, and its great b.c of my friends, but college seems like it would be cool, but i dunno yet since im only a junior. sooo...
. Are you bored? nah
. How many buddies are on? 19.. but my away message is on
. Last movie you saw? orange county lol
. Last noise you heard? well im listening to dashboard so yeah
. Last time you went out of the state: i went to north carolina in july
. Things you like in a girl/guy: he has to have a great personality, and he has to have a sense of humor, and he has to have beautiful and dark eyes.
. Do you have a crush on someone? im in love with someone. its not a crush
. Do they know? yes they do..
. What's his/her name? john
. What do you think of ouija boards? i think we move the things subconciously
. What book are you reading now? i'm re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
. What's on your mouse pad? its plain red
. Favourite magazine? YM or Seventeen.. or AP
. Worst feeling in the world? being in love and not knowing how the other person feels
. What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? must hit the snooze button if its during school
. How many rings before you answer? how ever many it takes to get to the phone
. Future daughter's name? Jamie Alexandra ( possibly )
. Future son's name? Andrew Michael ( ive always wanted to name my son that )
. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate
. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? nope
. If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? anyone who got to travel to the most beautiful places in the world
. Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous? righty but i swear im almost ambidextrous. im so good at it. lol its scary
. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? nope and im really good with typing. i type super fast
. What's under your bed? i dont even wanna know
. Favourite sport to watch? baseball probably
. Hair Colour: brown with red highlights
. Eye Colour: light brown
. Height Currently: 5'1"
. Glasses/contacts: contacts
. Current Age: 16
. Siblings: brother Morgan
. Siblings Age: 18
. Location: Reynoldsburg Ohio
. College Plans: i'm gonna be a double major in history and education. i dunno where im going to go though. possibly Kent State. i want to be a european history teacher
. Any Piercings: ears
. Best Friends: steph, litz, shaun, john, chris, jack, saba
. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: i wish it was john. but right now im single. im staying that way til i win him back.
. Current Crush: john. duh
. Hobbies: reading, writing poetry, watching buffy, angel or smallville. reading harry potter.
. What Type Automobile Do You Drive: i dont have my license yet lol. ill probably get my brothers stupid mercury sable.
. Are You Timely Or Always Late: ehh im usually there right before i need to be like with a few minutes to spare
. Do You Like Being Around People: no. i realized i hate my school. there is too many people.

STUFF
. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: no.
. Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: hell yes
. Do You Have A "Type" Of Person you always go after: he has to be tall, with dark hair, and dark eyes. he has to have a sense of humor and a great personality.
. Do You Have A Job: yep. but i think i might put in an application at max and ermas or target
. Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
. Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: yeah first i liked anthony and now im in love with one of my best guy friends.
. Are You Lonely Right Now: yeah.
. Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: actually yes
. Do You Want To Get Married: yes
. Do You Want Kids: yeah. but i dont wanna have to go thru labor

FAVORITE
. Room In house: my room
. Type of music: scremo, emo, "punk" whatever you wanna call it. ummm rock, some metal. i like a lot of shit
. Song: i have a lot... "what it is to burn"- finch "on my own"-the used "best deceptions"-dashboard "walking by"- something corporate "your own disaster"-taking back sunday.. ok i have to many
. Memory: any with my friends. most though any when i was with john.
. Day Of The Week: saturday? it used to be tuesday cuz buffy was on, but now its over :(
. Color: red
. Perfume Or Cologne: clinique happy, or this one i got at hot topic. or any of the ones i got from france
. Flower: hmm good question
. Month: may or january
. Season: spring or winter
. Location for dates: i dont go on dates, i usually just hang out.

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
. Cried: yes
. Bought Something: hmm i dunno
. Gotten Sick: nope
. Sang: yep
. Said I Love You: not so anyone heard me
. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didn't: yes. everyday.
. Met Someone New: yeah
. Moved On: no
. Talked To Someone: Yes
. Had A Serious Talk: no. that makes me miss france
. Missed Someone: always
. Hugged Someone: yes
. Kissed Someone: no, shaun tried to kiss me, eek.
. Fought With Your Parents: Yea
. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: always
. Had a lot of sleep: Yes
. Wanted This Survey To Be Over: nah

my thoughts at 02:55 pm by fullcollapse
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[ an empty space has filled the void behind my face ]

ok so well im on my other computer and for some reason it doesnt let me choose the color i want my font to be? retarded if you ask me but im too lazy to walk to my room to just get to change my font color.

ok well nothing really is going on today. tonight though steph is picking me up, and i have to stay at her house like i said yesterday.

i spent my time in the shower thinking about what im gonna wear tomorrow because ill have my new school ID made and also my junior picture taken. lol i think i might wear my AFI shirt but im not sure. lol

hmm so my brother is home from New York now. he went to Warped Tour but he didnt know the bands i liked so he didnt get me anything. even though i know he knows the bands i like. oh well its cool. august 17th i have to help him move into his dorm. poop. lol not the way i wanted to spend one of my last days of summer but oh well. actually school doesnt start til the 3rd for me. the freshman are the only ones who have to go the first day. our school thinks they should get to know their way around or something without us upperclassmen around? i dunno. no one really picks on anyone at my high school. well no one ever picked on me. maybe its cuz all my friends are older? hell i dunno. i dont think anyone gets picked on. lol

and now im gonna go. i have to send in my author's proof to this poetry publishing company. ill explain later.

the world has turned and left me here

my thoughts at 02:28 pm by fullcollapse
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[ this is where i say i've had enough ]

yeah so its 12:31 am and shaun steph and jack just left. lol my dad kicked them out cuz he couldnt sleep with them here. they just came up and knocked on my window lol.

my recent obsession is now dashboard. dunno why though. im so weird

i dropped off 5 more rolls of film from france to get developed.

ok well i have nothing else to say. just thought i would write a little something before i headed off to bed. ok so im not really going to bed right now but yeah.

Cause turning to you, is like falling in love when your 10.

my thoughts at 12:35 am by fullcollapse
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