Sunday, August 17, 2003
[ everything i know about breaking hearts, i learned from you ]
in life we are given many gifts,
and one gift,
we value above all else.
eventually we wear out the gift.
and we lose it or break it.
we can buy a new one,
but it will never be as great and,
will never bring as much joy as the original.
there are no memories with the new.
hold on to the old,
as long as you can.
they will be what gets you thru life.
just another jumble of words that spring out of my head to my fingertips and to the world wide web.
so i watched "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days" tonight. i'd seen it once before in the theatres with Megan and Carie. in the middle of it though, my grandmother calls, and in the middle of that call, Dave beeps in. of course my dad doesn't answer the other line, i really dont think he knows how to but yeah. and my cell wasnt on. so i didnt get that call. my dad wont get off the phone, so i get online, and get dave to come back from his away state, but he didnt talk much, and i never found out why he called.
i realized as i was sitting and pondering daves reason to call, that i still like dave. i realized i wanted to do something with him tonight, but from what i can see, he already had plans. oh well ill talk to him later this week and see if he wants to do anything.
so im doing something with shaun tomorrow. although i think ill see if i can postpone until tuesday. tomorrow i just want to do nothing. take a nice shower, ill be home alone. no brother here to bother me. and what not. tomorrow will be my day. thats all i have to say.
what else to say... nothing much really
i'm in an emo mood. hell i've been in one for so long now. but tonight its extra emo. i hate seeing "love" in movies, because it reminds me of how much love i lost when i lost john. but enough about john....
so i feel bad for my twin. chris said patty only wants chris. not shaun. i told shaun i would always be here for him whenever he needs me. and i told him that i love him with all my heart. because i really do. i dont know what i would do without my twin here.
well i think i'll probably go for now.
is that what you call a getaway? tell me what you got away with, cause i've seen more spine in jellyfish, i've seen more guts in eleven year old kids.
my thoughts at 10:13 pm by fullcollapse
[ it's time for you to choose, the bullet or the chapstick ]
ok so its 6:52 and i just got home a little bit ago from Rio Grande. thats where my brother is going to college. hes got 3 roomates. two are both named chris and they are best friends? well anyways they are SUPER hot! lol i was just like WHOA. thats how hot they were. but they like rap. thats a problem lol. they are 18, or possibly 19. but thats not really any older than what my friends are. but yeah...
i got some shorts from their store on campus. and a banner deal. lol.. yeah im a dork. so what..
so im listening to Brand New right now. i love them.
my brothers friend Kyle, didnt want my bro to leave without saying goodbye, so last night he parked his car in our driveway diagonally so we couldnt leave and he fell asleep lol. he drove down to Rio Grande with us. lol.
hmm there isnt much to say. i had to get up early today. around 9 lol. im actually kinda sleepy. but i was trying to get my dad to go to the $1.50 movies that no one really goes to. they play movies that came out like in May or so. Like a few months back ya know? yeah i wanted him to go, but he wouldn't.
well i guess i'll go for now.
this is a lesson in procrastination, i kill myself because im so frustrated.
my thoughts at 06:59 pm by fullcollapse
[ boys like you are a dime a dozen ]
i used to use this kinda stuff all the time on my old online journal. im just testing right now to see if i like it on this one.
my thoughts at 12:40 am by fullcollapse
[ its times like these, when silence means everything ]
ok so new look to my blog. i got bored, and didn't fancy the layout much. so i edited it til i liked it. notice where my entry goes is skinnier. thats due to the picture of Adam Lazzara, the singer for Taking Back Sunday, i put his picture right under my profile. check it out. hes hot. and im obsessed with Taking Back Sunday. i also put a pic of the old line up of Taking Back Sunday as my image header. Shaun Cooper and John Nolan, have since left the band. At first, i thought my favorite band (beside the used and finch) was doomed. they broke up. but... low and behold everything is ok.
* Fred Mascherino is new guy on guitar and vocals. *
He got the job after his band, Breaking Pangaea, performed on part of TBS's Takeover Tour. Mascherino had been playing in Breaking Pangaea since early 2000. The trio spent much of their existence on college charts across the US. The band was known for their frontman's insightful lyrics and guitar virtuosity. Mascherino earned a Jazz degree from Temple University but admits that his true goal is to encompass the fingers of Eddie Van Halen and the voice of David Lee Roth into one body. He has been managing this task in the post-hardcore forum since the mid-nineties when he played in Brody with skate rock legend Chuck Treece (Bad Brains, Urge Overkill). Fred is ready, willing, and able to perform both guitar and vocal duties and can often be found screaming behind buildings when no one is looking.
[ Taken from the Taking Back Sunday Newsletter. ]
* The new bassist is Matthew Rubano. *
He's a childhood friend of Mark's and comes from Baldwin, New York. After studying at the Berklee College of Music, Matt moved back to N.Y. to pursue his music career. Most well known for his work on Lauryn Hill's grammy winning debut "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill", Matt has also recorded and performed with a variety of artists across different genres of music. Matt has recently been practicing the fine and dangerous art of dodging microphones.
[ Taken from the Taking Back Sunday Newsletter ]
I so can't wait til a new cd comes out. I really want Finch to have their new CD out soon. hehe it will be so fantastic. The Used released a DVD and CD set with all unreleased stuff, and now that i got payed, i can buy it! yippee!!!
so come on, you have to agree with me that Adam is hot right? get this, Dave has a picture with him. Im so jealous. I am so going to concerts with Dave from now on, cuz he meets the band at every concert. Quinn from The Used made Dave a flipbook!! how sweet is that. very... i am so hoping to god that i meet Taking Back Sunday on September 25th when they come here. woo hoo it will be one of the greatest days of my life.. like February 15th [ the used and finch concert ]
ok well i think ive talked to much aleady.
i can't say that i blame you, but i wish that i could. im sick of writing every song about you. don't call my name out your window, i'm leaving.
my thoughts at 12:09 am by fullcollapse
Saturday, August 16, 2003
[ my pictures, they don't line your mirror ]
i thought i would put the poem i wrote about my late grandmother in here. since it has become a semi-finalist in a contest. along with my poem "The One" and "Poem 2" although i think im going to call that one "Stained Love" hmm who knows. but ok heres my poem dedicated to my grandmother. (RIP 5/31/03)
"May 31"
In life, we walk blindly,
Trained to believe we are invincible,
Even from the inevitable.
When we are hit with such a force,
It shatters our hearts and our minds.
For the longest time
We walk with our eyes closed
To keep the outside world from us.
Maybe the world’s pain will skip us
If we pretend that it’s not there.
It cannot penetrate the chambers of our body.
Until one day
We wake up to the shining light from the sun.
It refreshes us,
And we pick up the pieces,
And we accept the pain.
To accept the pain
Is the only way to go on.
Eventually we exhale the pain,
And our bodies return to normal.
Let me help you along the way.
these next poems are for chris. YIKES. lol .
"October 2002"
Slipping thru my grasp.
Are the memories of you.
Into the bucket of adventures,
I let you go.
One day, ill return, to the time,
Filled with heartache and compassion.
For now, i leave it behind.
As i walk away, i take back everything i said.
"Tragic Ending to a Love Story Made In Hell"
NOTICE: i believe i was heavily drugged when i wrote this or something.
This hurts too much to say,
But i have to do it anyway.
I knew somewhere deep inside,
That this day would come,
But i was planning to hide.
I wasn't fast enough,
You ended it right there,
I dunno why,
But you stripped me bare.
Now all i have left,
Are pictures and memories,
And i can ever remember the melodies,
That were in your songs,
Which i haven't heard in so long,
I guess that isn't true,
It just seems like forever,
Since i've seen you,
It kills me to think of us and the past,
And how it all happened so fast,
I remember asking you,
If there was anything i could do,
And all you said was not really,
Which wasn't too appealing to me.
I remember the way your lips felt on mine
And how i wished they would be there
'Til the end of time.
Your touch so soft.
I tryed hurting myself,
That didn't help,
All it did was leave me with scars,
But they are nothing like the scars on my heart,
The ones that appeared,
When you ripped it apart.
Now i'm sitting all alone
Waiting for the phone
I'm sitting here with
One lonely tear.
I've cried all i can
All my tears are gone,
I have nothing left,
I tryed to move on.
I wish that i could have seen thru your disguise.
I really wish i had,
They say there are other guys,
Which just makes me mad.
The only guy i want is you
Your the only guy for me
I really believe this, i do.
As i lay awake in my bed,
Unable to sleep,
I wish the pain,
Wasnt so deep.
Even though we are thru,
I just wanted to tell you that i'll always love you
Although you ripped it apart,
There will always be a place for you in my heart.
“Hate Me”
Hate me for the things I did,
Hate me for choosing him.
Hate me for leaving you.
Hate me for feelings that weren’t true.
Hate me for what I did wrong.
Hate me for waiting so long.
Hate me for letting it get like before.
Hate me for closing that door.
Hate me now.
Now more than ever.
Hate me please.
But please hate me never.
these little tidbits were for Dave. they aren't poems, just sweet little things that popped outta my head.
You cannot hear the beating of my heart in my chest,
But I can see the stars in your eyes.
The stars shine brilliant,
when my eyes,
meet your eyes.
as i searched my computer for those poems, i found other ones bout john, so hell i might as well post them too.
"Time"
You sleep,
And i watch you for hours.
Your chest slowly rising and falling like the sun.
A smile comes to my face as i sit with my eyes upon you.
And even when i close my eyes,
The smile remains, because i see you in my dreams.
"Days"
Days,
They go by,
As the stars,
Fall from the sky.
I make a wish,
And that’s for you,
Just one more kiss,
And that will do.
"True Love"
Trying hard to forget you
Raindrops fall
Under my eyes, are the stains
Every night I cry myself to sleep
Losing you hurt more
Over time I haven’t been healed
Very close to my heart you still are
Every night I cry myself to sleep
"Underneath It All"
I wish you would let me see your insides,
Let me see how you really feel.
I can tell by the look in your eyes,
That you have something to conceal.
When will you let me see the real you,
All I ask for is for you to be true.
And now I fade away waiting for the day,
That I will get to see just how you feel about me.
"All I Asked For"
You are my world.
My dream come to life.
You're the brightest star in my sky.
The only one i see , when the world moves too fast for me.
You are my only wish thats come true.
You are my light in this world of darkness.
"The Impact Of You"
If only i could believe,
Those words that you said to me.
I want so badly to understand you.
But its a lost cause.
I'm losing patience and my strength is slipping.
I want to believe those words, your words.
Please tell me.
"Nameless Face"
Forget me not.
Its time for our last goodbye.
Don't have time for this of life of feelings and moist eyes.
I shut off the stars,
Said goodbye to the skies.
"Taken Away"
To take away your pain,
To fill the holes left in your heart,
To rid you of the emptiness.
Would be my pleasure.
To see you no longer suffer,
Is the greatest joy.
"Lost In Time"
Looking thru the memories,
They come to life in my head.
Remembering everything about those days.
I cry and remember the feeling of safety.
I wish for nothing more,
Than to be held in your arms.
I wake up from my daydream,
More dead than before.
A part of me dies again and again.
i'm not sure what this poem is about. you try and figure it out.
Days go by,
And still nothing changes.
Its still the same things,
All the same faces.
my thoughts at 06:33 pm by fullcollapse
[ i didn't want it to mean that much to me ]
ok so i just got home from work about 30 minutes ago. i worked 12-5 today. finally im getting money again. i have a feelings im gonna work a lot this week seeing as Deby is outta town. so hey its cool.. cuz that means MONEY! woo hoo
i am missing my twin right now. i havent seen shaun in like 4 days or something. probably more. i love shaun. but i'm not IN love with him. shaun is my brother. yay shaun just signed online lol. im so gay.
its storming right now. just thought i would talk about the weather. im getting ready to talk like old people. they sit around and talk about the wearther all the time. so hey i should practice...
we are moving my bro into his dorm tomorrow. we get to drive for 2 whopping hours. yay! sike. im not actually looking forward to this drive. but its not that bad. ive spent 12 hours in a car twice a year since 1994. and then try and spend 9 hours on a plane. oh yeah fun times..
ive been speaking in french alot lately. not sure why though.
listening to taking back sunday. woo hoo i cant wait til september 25th when i see them live with saves the day. woo hoo.
ok well there isnt much to talk about right now. ill update later.
literate and stylish, kissable and quiet, well thats what girls dreams are made of
my thoughts at 06:06 pm by fullcollapse
[ you're only counting the clock against the train ]
some poems i wrote for the infamous John . infamous isnt the word im looking for though. hes not known for doing wrong. but heck just deal with it. Some are named, most arent. The following are all originals by ME.
SOON TO COME.. the poem dedicated to my late grandmother. and also the poems dedicated to Chris.
"The One"
I want to be the one,
You regret letting go of,
The one who you think about right before you fall asleep,
And right when you wake up,
The one you think about when your upset,
The one who can make you smile,
And forget about everything else,
The one you have a lot in common with,
The one who doesn't care what you do just as long as you are with them,
The one who doesn't care what you look like or what you wear,
The one you can count on,
The one you worry about what they will think,
Even though you know they don't care.
I want to be that one.
"Poem 1" ( no name as of yet )
Not a day goes by,
That i don't wonder,
Why things turned out this way.
Rains been falling,
Since that day,
No flowers bloom this spring.
"Poem 2"
Falling as raindrops,
the tears stream down my face,
as I cry 50 more tears for you tonight.
Every tear stains my face with your name.
I will never be able to wipe you away.
You’ll stay with me,
and if I never meet another one,
I’ll look in the mirror and remember the one I loved.
"Poem 3"
Your face haunts me in my dreams,
During night and day.
I try so hard, but I can’t wish you away.
Would it be so hard,
To just wake up one day,
And not care about you?
"Je T'aime Toujours"
Is this how it will always be?
Always keeping it deep down.
Never telling anyone but yourself.
Pushing it away.
We know how it could be.
But it never will be.
Not friends.
But nothing less than.
"Skies and Darkness"
Why is it that when I look up in the sky,
The stars spell out your name.
And why do I crumble every time I see your face?
If a star should fall, do I make a wish?
Or do I cry, for your name is incomplete.
I am incomplete.
You are no longer with me,
No matter how hard I fight,
I cannot seem to make things right.
My fears are all that I am.
I have nothing, no one to call my own,
Or anyone to save me from myself.
I look in the dark to find only shadows.
When I reach my hand for yours,
Empty space is all that fills.
I want things back to the way they used to be,
When I would see you and the dark was whisked away.
Sunlight filled my eyes,
With hopes and dreams.
I guess nothing is, as it seems.
Nothingness follows me to all my destinations.
It tears me down as soon as the sun shines thru.
With all my heart I make this one wish,
And that’s to be with you.
As for now, I lay awake, trying not cry.
I look up at the stars in the sky,
And all I see is darkness.
Darkness surrounds me on all sides; it takes away everything, even my breath.
When I call out for help,
I get no answer, and I lie back down, and cry myself to sleep.
In my dreams, I cry, even though I have you, but I cry,
Because I know when I wake up, I’ll be without you again.
"Alone"
So much for tonight,
another night of being lonely.
yet im not truly alone.
just at the moment.
even though you and i are together.
yet tomorrow will be the same.
so as i sit here lonely thinking of you,
i'll wonder what the next time will be like.
© Kaitlin E Thomas 2003
my thoughts at 12:25 am by fullcollapse
Friday, August 15, 2003
just got home a lil bit ago from Erin's suprise birthday party! hehe lol we got her to sing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence. it was so cute lol.
john's at cedar point. until sunday or monday i cant remeber. so i wont get to talk to him. :: tear ::
not much to say really. we drove around looking for a gas station. and we realized that they arent open 24/7. what happens if someone needs gas in the middle of the night? hmmm? yeah
well im gonna go eat. ill probably write more later. but hmm who knows.
there is no sunlight, sunlight is manufactured in a window less room.
my thoughts at 11:50 pm by fullcollapse
[ ONE ]
-- Name: Kaitlin
-- Birthdate: 05/25/1987
-- Birthplace: Westerville, OH
-- Current Location: Reynoldsburg, OH
-- Eye Color: Light brown
-- Hair Color: Dark Brown
-- Height: 5'1"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Gemini
[ TWO ]
-- Your heritage: Welsh, Italian, Slovak, German
-- The shoes you wore today: ADIDAS sandles
-- Your weakness: John, lonely
-- Your fears: Lonely. failure
-- Your perfect pizza: cheese
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: become a European History Teacher
[ THREE ]
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: "hmmm" or "lol"
-- Your first thoughts waking up: Time to get up already?
-- Your best physical feature: eyes, or dimples shaun would say
-- Your bedtime: whenever im sleepy
-- Your most missed memory: my grandmother. RIP 05/31/03
[ FOUR ]
-- Pepsi or Coke: neither i dont drink pop
-- McDonald's or Burger King: BK cause steph works there
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino
[ FiVE ]
-- smoke: Nope
-- Cuss: Yeah
-- Sing: Yeah, when im by myself
-- Take a shower everyday: Usually
-- Have a crush(es): John
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes
-- Want to go to college: Yep
-- Like high school: Yes
-- Want to get married: yes
-- Believe in yourself: I try
-- Get motion sickness: No
-- Think you're attractive: Um..
-- Think you're a health freak: Nah, but i should be
-- Get along with your parents: sometimes
-- Like thunderstorms: during the day
-- Play an instrument: i used to play the clarinet
[ SiX ] In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yea
-- Smoked: No
-- Done a drug: Nope
-- Had Sex: Nope
-- Made out: Nope :(
-- Gone on a date: Nope
-- Gone to the mall?: Nope
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Nope
-- Eaten sushi: Ew
-- Been on stage: No
-- Been dumped: Nope
-- Gone skating: Can't say that i did.
-- Made homemade cookies: Nope, but i made brownies!
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: Not in the past month
-- Stolen anything: nope
[ SEVEN ] Ever..
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: yeah
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: oh yeah... caries lol
-- Been caught "doing something": nah
-- Been called a tease: yep, DAVE
-- Gotten beaten up: nah
-- Shoplifted: yeah
-- Changed who you were to fit in: nope
[ EiGHT ]
-- Age you hope to be married: 24-26
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2, Andrew Michael, and possibly Jamie Alexandra
-- Describe your dream wedding: To be married in the church my parents were married in, and the very same one my grandmothers funeral was held in.0
-- How do you want to die: In my sleep like my grandmother, but of natural causes not cancer
-- Where you want to go to college: je ne sais pas.. Kent State?
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Teacher.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Australia. I've already been to France! :)
[ NiNE ] In a guy..
-- Best eye color? Brown
-- Best hair color? Dark Brown/Black
-- Short or long hair: Either
-- Height: Tall
-- Best weight: Whatever, can't be extremely overweight
-- Best articles of clothing: t-shirts
-- Best first date location: Anywhere
-- Best first kiss location: doorstep
[ TEN ]
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: none
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 4
-- Number of CDs that I own: uhhh way too many
-- Number of piercings: 2 ears
-- Number of tattoos: 0..but i want one
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: je ne sais pas
-- Number of scars on my body: too many. i was a klumsy child
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: a lot
my thoughts at 01:31 pm by fullcollapse
[ maybe i'll catch fire ]
ok well im on my other computer where it doesn't let me change my font colors, so i dunno what this will turn out to be.
my current frustration ---> my brother, who deleted all my Something Corporate and Dashboard Confessional from the computer. hes going down. i swear he is.
i cant wait til September 6th. its Ryanpalooza 03!! yay! for those of you well all of you because i know you dont know what it is, its what Ryan started last year, he has a bunch of bands play at his grandparents house. outside of course. last year i was so early becuase i went with chris. i remember i didnt eat or pee that day at all. because all they had were hot dogs and me hello a vegetarian. and then i didnt wanna use the port-a-potty. but then during the break, John, Kasha, Chris, and I went to Wendy's. but no john didnt want to wait in line for me to get food. so i didnt get any. ( i liked him then though ) but he still upset me. lol. that was such a great time last year. i hope its twice as great this year. plus its shauns bday this year!! woo hoo
today is erin's bday. shes 17. woo hoo happy birthday to her.
i need to take a shower here soon. lol.
eek last night i told john that i was outta a job since patty was the new band slut, and john goes she hasnt dated any of us sweetheart. ( first off where does he get off calling me SWEETHEART? lol) and then i answer hmm making out with 3 guys in 4 days..it makes you wonder. this is where it goes bad. john goes she made out with them? and so this is when i say OOPS. but john wanted to know all about the stuff, and he promised not to tell shaun and chris that i said anything. so i told him, and he said he definatley wasnt going after her. which put a smile on my face, but im not telling him that. then all of a sudden he breaks out with, you know if any of us were to go after you again, chris would drop patty like a bad habit. and i think thats not true so i told him that, but it makes me wonder. why did he bring that up? i would love if john went after me again. lol. but maybe hes not going to since chris. hell i dunno.
i told chris that if anyone tried to leave Ryanpalooza early, i would beat them. lol.
shaun is going to the fair with ryan and jen today. and the girl ryan and jen were gonna have go for shaun, couldnt go. her name is ashley. i dont her much. so shaun asked me. and if i didnt have something planned already tonight, i would go. but they were gonna go for like 7 fucking hours. i went for like 3 and i was bored outta my mind! plus it was gonna be a double date. and me and shaun? no hes just my best friend.
well i think im gonna go. im talking to steph.
he deleted my BRAND NEW TOO! hes going DOWN!!!!!!!!
if i flooded out your house, do you think you'd make it out?
my thoughts at 12:41 pm by fullcollapse
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[ called ] Kaitlin
[ remix ] Kate, Kiddo, Katie ( to a select few anyways )
[ blows out the candles ] May 25
[ candles ] 16
[ brushes ] dark brown hair with red highlighs
[ sees the world thru ] brown eyes
[ stands at ] 5'1"
[ ear candy ] Finch, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, Further Seems Forever, Thursday, Evanescence, Saves The Day, Something Corporate, Dashboard, Juliana Theory, Weezer, AFI, Korn, Taproot, TRUSTcompany, Adema, Saliva, Day Before Disaster ( much love to you guys ), 2nd Day ( i love ya guys! ) much more...
[ latitude, longitude ] Reynoldsburg, Ohio
[ lives for ] shaun. but i'm still in love with John...complicated i know  the true love of my life lol
Now it has occurred and I can't escape, from these memories that run so deep, prevented of everything devoid of sleep, and my attempt at deletion remains incomplete.
Contact Me
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