[ full collapse ]

Monday, August 18, 2003

[ losing everything on the downfall ]

yeah well i just got home. i went shopping with my dad and grandma. my grandma was gonna buy me the coolest lunch box ever. it was star wars. and it came with a star wars thermos, i really only wanted the thermos, cuz i dont need a lunchbox. but oh well i didnt get it.

so i went driving tonight. i hadnt been driving in so long. and it was the first time in our jeep. i used to drive my bros car, but now thats with him at college so yeah.

saturday i think i am going to caldwell with my mom to drive down there.

friday 2nd day is playing, i might go. dave asked me to go a long time ago. and steph wants me to go. so hmm ill probably go.. and thursday is the reynoldsburg/picktown game. its at crew stadium like it was freshman year. but we are playing pickerington central, since they have two high schools now.

im talking to alex right now. shes chris' sister shes only a year younger than me. shes cool i like her. we are talking about patty and how we dont like her lol..

alright well im gonna go.

im watching you descend. im hovering instead.

my thoughts at 08:58 pm by fullcollapse
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[ so long sweet summer ]

ok so i got bored again.

so last night on the phone with dave, he kept trying to get me to tell him who my away message was about ( remember how i talked bout that before ) well i wouldnt tell him, and i just started talking about my shorts that i got yesterday at rio grande. i think it had made him even more mad lol but i thought it was funny. plus i love my shorts. lol im such a dork.

so chris thinks patty is his, but she told shaun she wasnt. big dumb thing if u ask me. she told shaun she was confused. i think she wont wind up with any of them, and she just likes the attention they are giving her. thats what megan and i think anyways.

john is home from cedar point now. i talked to him a lil bit earlier today.

right now im listening to TRUSTcompany, i haven't listened to them in awhile. i saw them in 2002 at Warped Tour. they were pretty sweet. i only really started liking them alot because chris loved them and listened to them all the time. and i was dating him at the time, so yeah. thats how i really started to love adema and korn too. i remember one day steph was like what happened to your taste in music? lol it was funny..

dont you love my pictures of adam? hehe... hes my god.

well i'm gonna go eat my pizza now.

i slipped away, further from you

my thoughts at 05:45 pm by fullcollapse
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[ Pouring over photographs, I'm living in your letters ]

heres more pictures of Adam, isn't he sexy? yes i know he is.

i thought maybe you wanted to see one in color, instead of all the black and white. i think the black and white fit with my blog better, but i couldn't stand it. i love this man.

cuz turning to you , is like falling in love when youre 10

my thoughts at 02:55 pm by fullcollapse
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[ sunlight is manufactured in a windowless room ]

so right now its 12:37 and i just finished watching Bio-Dome. its kinda gay, but it was something to do.

i think soon, i'm gonna get my shower, im not doing anything with shaun today, he and i both decided tomorrow was better.

i talked to dave on the phone last night for a little bit, he wanted to know who my away message was about. it saod "would i be out of line, if i said, i miss you" and it was actually about him. but im not really sure why. its weird. i think its just cause i havent seen him in awhile maybe? i dunno about my feelings of whatever, but i did succeed in making him upset. i told him about my brother's two hot roommates. and he was like your just trying to make me jealous. and i wasn't well i don't think i was. but who knows..

i think john is back from cedar point. because chris' away message says, "Day Before Disaster will own all." and john's away message usually says "Day Before Disaster will rule all" when they are having practice. so thats why i think hes back, but i could be wrong.

man school is going to start soon, i think it starts the 3rd for us? im not sure why we are startin so late this year, that means we wont get out until like june 12 or sometime around there. its sad that i dont even know the date school starts for sure. but i do know that im going shopping wed. or thurs. for new clothes. mosly just like a sweatshirt or two, and like two or three pairs of pants, and some new shirts. not a lot or anything. i want to get new shoes, but my mom wont let me. i got new ones in march, they are blue suede etnies, but they dont go with everything so i am constantly wearing my red and white etnies from April of FRESHMAN year. they are all comfy, but worn out. lol. and then i have my green flames shoes that i brought back from France, but those don't go with everything either so yeah.

well hmm... dave isnt talking to me online. i bet hes playing his drums. he really wants to be Travis Barker. hes convinced he will be him someday. i hate to say it, but dave is a big show off when it comes to his drums and his car. i dont know if he got his new *Orange County Drums* yet, but yeah. and he has a red Vibe GT. i mean its cool, but he shows off too much. sure hes a good drummer, but sometimes its too much.

this is kinda weird... last night when i was talking to dave on the phone, he was like i gave patty shit for making out with john. i was like do you give every girl who makes out with john some shit? and he was like no just the ones i care about. i was like so why did u give her shit. and he was like john's kinda dirty. i didnt say anything then, because i dont see it. but maybe its my feelings that hide those things. my feelings hide a lot of things i realized. but then i also realized that i dont care what he looks like or anything. so i believe it proves the old clich� "Love is blind". but thats just my theory..

well i think i am going to go get my shower. ill update later.

maybe i should hate you for this, never really did ever quite get that far

my thoughts at 12:49 pm by fullcollapse
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Sunday, August 17, 2003

[ everything i know about breaking hearts, i learned from you ]

in life we are given many gifts,
and one gift,
we value above all else.
eventually we wear out the gift.
and we lose it or break it.

we can buy a new one,
but it will never be as great and,
will never bring as much joy as the original.
there are no memories with the new.
hold on to the old,
as long as you can.
they will be what gets you thru life.

just another jumble of words that spring out of my head to my fingertips and to the world wide web.

so i watched "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days" tonight. i'd seen it once before in the theatres with Megan and Carie. in the middle of it though, my grandmother calls, and in the middle of that call, Dave beeps in. of course my dad doesn't answer the other line, i really dont think he knows how to but yeah. and my cell wasnt on. so i didnt get that call. my dad wont get off the phone, so i get online, and get dave to come back from his away state, but he didnt talk much, and i never found out why he called.

i realized as i was sitting and pondering daves reason to call, that i still like dave. i realized i wanted to do something with him tonight, but from what i can see, he already had plans. oh well ill talk to him later this week and see if he wants to do anything.

so im doing something with shaun tomorrow. although i think ill see if i can postpone until tuesday. tomorrow i just want to do nothing. take a nice shower, ill be home alone. no brother here to bother me. and what not. tomorrow will be my day. thats all i have to say.

what else to say... nothing much really

i'm in an emo mood. hell i've been in one for so long now. but tonight its extra emo. i hate seeing "love" in movies, because it reminds me of how much love i lost when i lost john. but enough about john....

so i feel bad for my twin. chris said patty only wants chris. not shaun. i told shaun i would always be here for him whenever he needs me. and i told him that i love him with all my heart. because i really do. i dont know what i would do without my twin here.

well i think i'll probably go for now.

is that what you call a getaway? tell me what you got away with, cause i've seen more spine in jellyfish, i've seen more guts in eleven year old kids.

my thoughts at 10:13 pm by fullcollapse
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[ it's time for you to choose, the bullet or the chapstick ]

ok so its 6:52 and i just got home a little bit ago from Rio Grande. thats where my brother is going to college. hes got 3 roomates. two are both named chris and they are best friends? well anyways they are SUPER hot! lol i was just like WHOA. thats how hot they were. but they like rap. thats a problem lol. they are 18, or possibly 19. but thats not really any older than what my friends are. but yeah...

i got some shorts from their store on campus. and a banner deal. lol.. yeah im a dork. so what..

so im listening to Brand New right now. i love them.

my brothers friend Kyle, didnt want my bro to leave without saying goodbye, so last night he parked his car in our driveway diagonally so we couldnt leave and he fell asleep lol. he drove down to Rio Grande with us. lol.

hmm there isnt much to say. i had to get up early today. around 9 lol. im actually kinda sleepy. but i was trying to get my dad to go to the $1.50 movies that no one really goes to. they play movies that came out like in May or so. Like a few months back ya know? yeah i wanted him to go, but he wouldn't.

well i guess i'll go for now.

this is a lesson in procrastination, i kill myself because im so frustrated.

my thoughts at 06:59 pm by fullcollapse
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[ boys like you are a dime a dozen ]

i used to use this kinda stuff all the time on my old online journal. im just testing right now to see if i like it on this one.

my thoughts at 12:40 am by fullcollapse
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[ its times like these, when silence means everything ]

ok so new look to my blog. i got bored, and didn't fancy the layout much. so i edited it til i liked it. notice where my entry goes is skinnier. thats due to the picture of Adam Lazzara, the singer for Taking Back Sunday, i put his picture right under my profile. check it out. hes hot. and im obsessed with Taking Back Sunday. i also put a pic of the old line up of Taking Back Sunday as my image header. Shaun Cooper and John Nolan, have since left the band. At first, i thought my favorite band (beside the used and finch) was doomed. they broke up. but... low and behold everything is ok.

* Fred Mascherino is new guy on guitar and vocals. *

He got the job after his band, Breaking Pangaea, performed on part of TBS's Takeover Tour. Mascherino had been playing in Breaking Pangaea since early 2000. The trio spent much of their existence on college charts across the US. The band was known for their frontman's insightful lyrics and guitar virtuosity. Mascherino earned a Jazz degree from Temple University but admits that his true goal is to encompass the fingers of Eddie Van Halen and the voice of David Lee Roth into one body. He has been managing this task in the post-hardcore forum since the mid-nineties when he played in Brody with skate rock legend Chuck Treece (Bad Brains, Urge Overkill). Fred is ready, willing, and able to perform both guitar and vocal duties and can often be found screaming behind buildings when no one is looking.

[ Taken from the Taking Back Sunday Newsletter. ]

* The new bassist is Matthew Rubano. *

He's a childhood friend of Mark's and comes from Baldwin, New York. After studying at the Berklee College of Music, Matt moved back to N.Y. to pursue his music career. Most well known for his work on Lauryn Hill's grammy winning debut "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill", Matt has also recorded and performed with a variety of artists across different genres of music. Matt has recently been practicing the fine and dangerous art of dodging microphones.

[ Taken from the Taking Back Sunday Newsletter ]

I so can't wait til a new cd comes out. I really want Finch to have their new CD out soon. hehe it will be so fantastic. The Used released a DVD and CD set with all unreleased stuff, and now that i got payed, i can buy it! yippee!!!

so come on, you have to agree with me that Adam is hot right? get this, Dave has a picture with him. Im so jealous. I am so going to concerts with Dave from now on, cuz he meets the band at every concert. Quinn from The Used made Dave a flipbook!! how sweet is that. very... i am so hoping to god that i meet Taking Back Sunday on September 25th when they come here. woo hoo it will be one of the greatest days of my life.. like February 15th [ the used and finch concert ]

ok well i think ive talked to much aleady.

i can't say that i blame you, but i wish that i could. im sick of writing every song about you. don't call my name out your window, i'm leaving.

my thoughts at 12:09 am by fullcollapse
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Saturday, August 16, 2003

[ my pictures, they don't line your mirror ]

i thought i would put the poem i wrote about my late grandmother in here. since it has become a semi-finalist in a contest. along with my poem "The One" and "Poem 2" although i think im going to call that one "Stained Love" hmm who knows. but ok heres my poem dedicated to my grandmother. (RIP 5/31/03)

"May 31"

In life, we walk blindly,
Trained to believe we are invincible,
Even from the inevitable.
When we are hit with such a force,
It shatters our hearts and our minds.
For the longest time
We walk with our eyes closed
To keep the outside world from us.
Maybe the world�s pain will skip us
If we pretend that it�s not there.
It cannot penetrate the chambers of our body.
Until one day
We wake up to the shining light from the sun.
It refreshes us,
And we pick up the pieces,
And we accept the pain.
To accept the pain
Is the only way to go on.
Eventually we exhale the pain,
And our bodies return to normal.
Let me help you along the way.

these next poems are for chris. YIKES. lol .

"October 2002"
Slipping thru my grasp.
Are the memories of you.
Into the bucket of adventures,
I let you go.
One day, ill return, to the time,
Filled with heartache and compassion.
For now, i leave it behind.
As i walk away, i take back everything i said.

"Tragic Ending to a Love Story Made In Hell"
NOTICE: i believe i was heavily drugged when i wrote this or something.

This hurts too much to say,
But i have to do it anyway.
I knew somewhere deep inside,
That this day would come,
But i was planning to hide.
I wasn't fast enough,
You ended it right there,
I dunno why,
But you stripped me bare.
Now all i have left,
Are pictures and memories,
And i can ever remember the melodies,
That were in your songs,
Which i haven't heard in so long,
I guess that isn't true,
It just seems like forever,
Since i've seen you,
It kills me to think of us and the past,
And how it all happened so fast,
I remember asking you,
If there was anything i could do,
And all you said was not really,
Which wasn't too appealing to me.
I remember the way your lips felt on mine
And how i wished they would be there
'Til the end of time.
Your touch so soft.
I tryed hurting myself,
That didn't help,
All it did was leave me with scars,
But they are nothing like the scars on my heart,
The ones that appeared,
When you ripped it apart.
Now i'm sitting all alone
Waiting for the phone
I'm sitting here with
One lonely tear.
I've cried all i can
All my tears are gone,
I have nothing left,
I tryed to move on.
I wish that i could have seen thru your disguise.
I really wish i had,
They say there are other guys,
Which just makes me mad.
The only guy i want is you
Your the only guy for me
I really believe this, i do.
As i lay awake in my bed,
Unable to sleep,
I wish the pain,
Wasnt so deep.
Even though we are thru,
I just wanted to tell you that i'll always love you
Although you ripped it apart,
There will always be a place for you in my heart.

�Hate Me�

Hate me for the things I did,

Hate me for choosing him.

Hate me for leaving you.

Hate me for feelings that weren�t true.

Hate me for what I did wrong.

Hate me for waiting so long.

Hate me for letting it get like before.

Hate me for closing that door.

Hate me now.

Now more than ever.

Hate me please.

But please hate me never.

these little tidbits were for Dave. they aren't poems, just sweet little things that popped outta my head.

You cannot hear the beating of my heart in my chest,
But I can see the stars in your eyes.

The stars shine brilliant,
when my eyes,
meet your eyes.

as i searched my computer for those poems, i found other ones bout john, so hell i might as well post them too.

"Time"
You sleep,
And i watch you for hours.
Your chest slowly rising and falling like the sun.
A smile comes to my face as i sit with my eyes upon you.
And even when i close my eyes,
The smile remains, because i see you in my dreams.

"Days"
Days,
They go by,
As the stars,
Fall from the sky.
I make a wish,
And that�s for you,
Just one more kiss,
And that will do.

"True Love"
Trying hard to forget you
Raindrops fall
Under my eyes, are the stains
Every night I cry myself to sleep

Losing you hurt more
Over time I haven�t been healed
Very close to my heart you still are
Every night I cry myself to sleep

"Underneath It All"

I wish you would let me see your insides,

Let me see how you really feel.

I can tell by the look in your eyes,

That you have something to conceal.

When will you let me see the real you,

All I ask for is for you to be true.

And now I fade away waiting for the day,

That I will get to see just how you feel about me.

"All I Asked For"

You are my world.
My dream come to life.
You're the brightest star in my sky.
The only one i see , when the world moves too fast for me.
You are my only wish thats come true.
You are my light in this world of darkness.

"The Impact Of You"
If only i could believe,
Those words that you said to me.
I want so badly to understand you.
But its a lost cause.
I'm losing patience and my strength is slipping.
I want to believe those words, your words.
Please tell me.

"Nameless Face"
Forget me not.
Its time for our last goodbye.
Don't have time for this of life of feelings and moist eyes.
I shut off the stars,
Said goodbye to the skies.

"Taken Away"
To take away your pain,
To fill the holes left in your heart,
To rid you of the emptiness.
Would be my pleasure.
To see you no longer suffer,
Is the greatest joy.

"Lost In Time"
Looking thru the memories,
They come to life in my head.
Remembering everything about those days.
I cry and remember the feeling of safety.
I wish for nothing more,
Than to be held in your arms.
I wake up from my daydream,
More dead than before.
A part of me dies again and again.

i'm not sure what this poem is about. you try and figure it out.

Days go by,
And still nothing changes.
Its still the same things,
All the same faces.

my thoughts at 06:33 pm by fullcollapse
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[ i didn't want it to mean that much to me ]

ok so i just got home from work about 30 minutes ago. i worked 12-5 today. finally im getting money again. i have a feelings im gonna work a lot this week seeing as Deby is outta town. so hey its cool.. cuz that means MONEY! woo hoo

i am missing my twin right now. i havent seen shaun in like 4 days or something. probably more. i love shaun. but i'm not IN love with him. shaun is my brother. yay shaun just signed online lol. im so gay.

its storming right now. just thought i would talk about the weather. im getting ready to talk like old people. they sit around and talk about the wearther all the time. so hey i should practice...

we are moving my bro into his dorm tomorrow. we get to drive for 2 whopping hours. yay! sike. im not actually looking forward to this drive. but its not that bad. ive spent 12 hours in a car twice a year since 1994. and then try and spend 9 hours on a plane. oh yeah fun times..

ive been speaking in french alot lately. not sure why though.

listening to taking back sunday. woo hoo i cant wait til september 25th when i see them live with saves the day. woo hoo.

ok well there isnt much to talk about right now. ill update later.

literate and stylish, kissable and quiet, well thats what girls dreams are made of

my thoughts at 06:06 pm by fullcollapse
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