Thursday, August 21, 2003
[ now i wanna kill you like only a best friend could ]
well its 11:39. i've been home since like 10:50? my parents were being assholes. well we lost at the game, of course. we always lose. oh well we got there like 35 minutes late, and we left at half time. it was hot, megan and carie thought so anyways, i was fine, and i was the one wearing pants, they were wearing shorts. but yeah
then we went to wendys, and decided to go to the movies. we saw Freddy VS. Jason.. lame if you ask me. the soundtrack was sweet, and the only part i liked was when freddy and jason fought each other. i really dont like scary movies. sometimes they scare me, if i have a nightmare tonight about freddy, i'm gonna be so mad, because the movie wasn't really scary.
then when i got out of the movie, my mom had called my cell 21 times. 21 TIMES! geez. and then we went driving around bored. we sat in the big bear parking lot for awhile, and these two guys thought they were cool, but they weren't which resulted in my yelling faggot. hmmm
then we decided to go to carie's. i called and asked, and i had to come home. on the way home, we were behind a slug bug and the retarded passenger had their foot out the window, which resulted in another shouting of "Faggot". they pretended like they didn't hear me. but i know they did.
all night joe and megan were cracking on carie. especially cuz she said Fat Joe died. and joe wouldn't let her live it down. it was funny as hell.
by the way if i have offended anyone by using the word "faggot" i am truly sorry.
well i think im gonna go for now. i might actually go to bed cuz i have to get back on my regular schedule since school will be starting in like 2 weeks.
and it feels like, i'm at an all time low, slightly bruised and broken, from our head on collision
my thoughts at 11:44 pm by fullcollapse
[ i hope that you're happy, you really deserve it ]
I AM: alone
I THINK: too much
I KNOW: what love is
I WANT: to get a second chance
I HAVE: friends
I WISH: john would stop ignoring feelings
I HATE: ignorance
I MISS: my twin
I FEAR: failure, lonliness
I HEAR: dashboard confessional
I SEARCH: for light, but find only darkness
I WONDER: why the one person you need the most, is never there.
I REGRET: breaking his heart
I LOVE: john
I ACHE: for him to feel the same
I CARE: about people who don't return the feelings
I ALWAYS: have music and poetry
I AM NOT: going to cry again
I DANCE: hardly ever
I SING: this song for you
I CRY: myself to sleep at night
I DO NOT ALWAYS: think before i act
I FIGHT: my feelings
I WRITE: poetry, and one day i will be a famous poet
I WIN: appreciation
I LOSE: my self-confidence, courage, tears when they escape my eyes
I CONFUSE: myself
I LISTEN: to music everyday
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: writing poetry or listening to music in my room by myself
I NEED: a REAL kiss, a REAL hug, from the person who means the most to me
I AM HAPPY ABOUT: ramen noodles
I SHOULD: be reading for school, and cleaning
[DESCRIBE YOUR]
[Purse]: red with a scull and crossbones on it. from hot topic. then i have a black dickies one
[Jewelry worn daily]: horseshoe barbell earrings, watch, rosary bracelet, bracelet lauren made me, the one my mom got me thats silver, jack's red and black wristband. the bracelet john gave me freshman year. my grandmothers necklace, chris' heart necklace, and the two necklaces from steph. wow thats a lot
[Pillow cover]: its white with green and blue stripes
[Shoes]: red and white etnies
[Favorite top]: taking back sunday shirt, black. or the used one from the concert, its black too.
[Favorite pants]: old looking jeans, or black capris
[Cologne/Perfume]: clinique happy, night blossom (From hot topic)
[CD in stereo right now]: dashboard is in one, in another is taking back sunday, and in the other is thrice.
[Piercings]: ears
[Hair]: dark brown, middle length?? past the shoulders, with red highlights
[What you are wearing now]: a shirt i bought in new york and a pair of jeans with tube socks
[In my mouth]: my teeth
[In my head]: thoughts of john
[Wishing]: john wasnt blind ( so to speak )
[After this]: cleaning, and getting ready for the game
[Talking to]: no one
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: ryanoalooza, thursday concert, taking back sunday/saves the day concert
[The last thing you ate?]: ramen noodles
[Some of your favorite movies]: tommy boy, mallrats, lord of the rings ( all of them ), harry potter ( all of them ) down to you, now and then, all the star wars movies... umm others
[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: losing my parents too early
[Do you like incense]: yep
[Do you believe in love]: of course
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: yes, but not like because they way they look, you can just tell by looking into their eyes.
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: a llama! haha megan!!!!
[What are 3 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: paris ( if i could speak french better ), boston, london
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: pasta! i eat it everyday, fries with cheese
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: john, well guys all together actually
[In the last 24 hours, have you]
01. Cried: yes
02. Bought something: dairy queen
03. Gotten sick: nope
04. Sang: to myself
05. Eaten: yeah.. ramen noodles, dairy queen, rice
06. Been kissed: i wish
07. Felt stupid: always
08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: every minute of every day
09. Met someone new: hmmm nope
10. Moved on: nope
11. Talked to an ex: yeah, chris, shaun, john i talked to all of them
12. Missed an ex:: always
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: yes
14. Had a serious talk: hmm can't say that i have
15. Missed someone: every minute of every day
16. Hugged someone: yeah
17. Fought with your parents: nope
18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: every night
[Social Life]
01. Best guy friend: shaun, chris, john, dave, jack
02. Best girl friend: steph, litz, saba
03. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: none existant as of right now
04. If no, current dating partner: none. wishing though
05. Pager: nope
06. Are you center of attention or the wallflower: depends on who im with
07. What type automobile do you wish you drove: hell i dunno
08. Would you rather be with friends or on a date: both at the same time is always nice
09. Where is the best hangout: coffee shop, i miss it so very much.
10. Do you have a job: yep
11. Do you attend church: nope
12. Do you like being around people: depends which people
[Who]
01. Have you known the longest: elise
02. Do you argue the most with: my parents, or chris lol
03. Do you always get along with: litz, saba
04. Is the trustworthiest: litz, saba, maybe shaun
05. Makes you laugh the most: litz, saba, emili, kt, STEPH
06. Has been there through all the hard times: steph and litz and saba
07. Has the coolest parents: ummm i dunno
08. Have the coolest siblings: ashley. i love her sis
09. Is the most blunt: stephanie
10. Is the smartest: me, i hate to sound conceited but i think its the truth
[Personal]
01. Who is your role model: sarah michelle gellar
02. What are some of your pet peeves: backstabbers
03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: once
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes indeed, do it all the time
05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: yeah. they are tall, with dark hair, and dark eyes.
06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): nothing big
07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: yes
08. Rather be dumper or dumped: both are horrible
09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship
10. Want someone you don't have right now: of course. i have wanted him more and more ever since he broke my heart
11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: john was my best friend so duh
12. Do you want to get married: yeah
13. Do you want kids: ill adopt, the whole labor thing freaks me out lol
14. Do you believe in psychics: no
15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: i dont know. but lemme say i wouldnt mind marrying john, he cooks i mean come on!
16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my eyes
17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: how i can express myself so deeply thru poetry
18. Are you happy with you: no
19. Are you happy with your life: sorta
20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: my feelings towards people
my thoughts at 03:19 pm by fullcollapse
[ if i could be your first real heartache ]
i just wrote this poem so i had to add it... lol
Death From Love
My death,
Was at your hands.
You choked the life out of my heart.
You looked straight into my eyes,
And without saying a word,
You said you would always love me,
But we couldn't ever be,
There has been to much between us,
None of which could be fixed.
You said,
You couldn't give me what i needed.
But what you don't know,
Is that all I needed was you.
ok im gone now
dude jack steph and i believe john is trying to get back with amanda. he still doesnt know that she cheated on him with his best friend. and we all believe STILL that he should know. especially now that he is trying to get back with her. but of course i cant say anything because well he knows as well as everyone on the planet that im in love with him. so yeah.
oh and chris hasnt shown up. its 2:35. im gonna castrate him.
I'm exceptionally artistic!
Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.
best friends means i pulled thr trigger, best friends means you get what you deserve
my thoughts at 01:59 pm by fullcollapse
[ so kiss me hard cause this will be the last time that i let you ]
today is the reynoldsburg/pickerington football game. our rivalry is gay. but yeah. we usually lose. we won my freshman year. the game is at crew stadium just like it was my freshman year. ashley josh chris and i had all went together. and i was talking to ash bout it last night and i accidently put john. i was like oops sorry habit lol. i mean come on they both start with jo and they have an h in there too lol
chris is coming over, i miss hanging out with him. i can only hang out for like an hour and a half, cuz i have to get ready for the game. megan is picking me up at 4. chris will be here at 2. im gonna make him watch buffy. he never did like it. hehe
ramen noodles are my god. just thought i would put that in there, cuz i love them and im making some right now.
well i think im gonna go finish making them and then ill watch some buffy while i wait for chris to get here. ill update tonight after i get home from the game. it starts at 5 so ill probably go do something with megan and them afterwards.
its gone faster than the smell after it rains
my thoughts at 01:29 pm by fullcollapse
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
[ don't say that everythings working, when everythings broken ]
yeah, i had a major bitch moment earlier tonight before i went to work. i found out that last night steph shaun john chris patty jack and bransen all hung out. but no one invited me, and that really hurt my feelings, i mean why shouldnt it. and i took it out somewhat on steph, but she didnt even care that i wasnt there last night so im not sorry for doin that. she tryed acting like she knew what it felt, but shes a fucking retard and she doesnt know what it feels like so that just made it worse.
2nd day is playing. i might as john to take me. he told steph no. but she thinks he will take me.? i dunno i dont get it. hmmm
well i just got home from work, nothing cool. no one came in. so i got online, and talked to people while i was supposed to be working. i talked to dave and ashlee. dave had left me a message and it said " can i leave a message? i love you :)" he said it cuz my away message was like this " im tired of everyones fucking bullshit and their lies, i cant even count on my closest friends anymore, so fuck off. im at work dont bother to leave a message" but dave made me happy when he wrote that to me. even though i wasnt mad anymore when i got it, but yeah.
shaun is just being a fuckface. he cant have more than one female in his life at a time. the same thing happened with korina, but not quite this bad. oh and the worst thing is he lied to me about last night. he said he only hung out with patty, and steph and jack for a bit. he didnt bother to mention, john chris or bransen. god i could just castrate shaun right now.
well im gonna go. im hungry.
this just in... everyone is at jessie's, she's having a get together tonight. just another example of no one asking me to do anything. im fucking tired of this.
i should not be suprised. i should have seen it sooner.
my thoughts at 08:49 pm by fullcollapse
[ reading your note over again, theres not a word that i comprehend ]
ok well today i have to work at 4:30 until 8:00. woo hoo. sike. if i find something to do, i will have to wait until after i get off. GAY. but oh well.
i talked to dave on the phone last night. not really anything important, just retarded stuff. then he wouldnt talk like a big homo. but then i finally got him to go to bed. he had to work at 6:15 this morning. poor guy.
blah there isnt much to say. except that i miss saba!!! shes one of my best friends, and she needs to come back! right now!!!! shes been gone 10 days! emili doesnt think she will be back til around the 27th. thats another week. poop.
saba and kt ( yes john's sis ) think johnny depp is hotter than orlando bloom. lol its funny cuz emili and i think the opposite. we are weird people.
i'm mad at shaun because he blew me off yesterday. he hung out with patty. and hung out with steph and jack a little too. and we had made plans to hang out. and he had cancelled monday and moved it to tuesday, but that didnt happen. poo on him. and he doesnt even know that im upset. geez he cant even tell im not being myself towards him. i barely talk to him. and he doesnt notice anythings wrong.
i think tonight when i go to work ill take the great gatsby with me, so if its slow, which i hope it will be, i can read. ive only worked those hours once before, and it was kinda not really busy. but i hope its not busy. lol
click here.. its my link to my website with pictures of me and my friends.
here is the link for the site i made with dbd pics. DBD Photo Directory
for the day before disaster site. click this link.
well i think im gonna go for right now.
you smile like a saint, but ya curse like a sailor
my thoughts at 11:12 am by fullcollapse
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
[ you were right there, when i shot her ]
yeah sorry about all the lord of the rings stuff. its just my new obsession. i tend to obsess over many things in case you havent noticed. my biggest obsession is with buffy, and angel. harry potter is up there too, and lord of the rings is making its way. i think its safe to say i love fantasy type deals sorta because none of the stuff i love is real. but sometimes i believe it is.
so orlando bloom is hot. dave doesnt think so . but then again what does he know? lol orlando is now my desktop, screensaver, and AIM icon. yeah im weird.
i went driving again tonight. i really need to hurry up and drive and get my license. i can get it in october. woo hoo. freedom will come at last.
well im gonna go im talking to megan and dave. ill update later as usual.
i went to the party last night, there were people there laughing all the time. i saw no faces i recognized, what was i doing, wandering the house
my thoughts at 09:43 pm by fullcollapse
[ but a night like this is begging to pull me apart ]
my thoughts at 04:21 pm by fullcollapse
[ would you be my best friend, if i offered you my heart ]
Lord of the Rings is so freaking awesome. im still reading the Fellowship of The Ring, but its better than the movie. as most books are. but i just finished watching the movie and i love it to death. and besides Legolas is hot (orlando bloom) ahh hes hot. but i wish i was an elf. see this is what happens to me, i begin to love something so much, and i wish it were me. like i wish i were a slayer, and i really could fight vampires and such, and then i wish i was a wizard like in harry potter. and now i wish i was an elf like arwen. im so weird. only i wouldnt have given up my immortality. but yeah thats not my point.
i wanna go to the movies with erin and jess today. i talked to jess about it. we might go. i havent been able to talk to shaun so i guess we arent doing anything. dave called me cuz 2nd day had practice, but jack was with DBD. i dunno. and he said john wasnt home which is where they practice. but then john got online like 10 minutes later, but i was watching my movie so i didnt bother talking to him.
but yes now i think im gonna go because i wanna talk to some people online.
last night i had a dream, that we went to disney land, went on all the rides, didnt have to wait in line. i took you to your house where we stare up at the stars, i listen to your heartbeat as i held you in my arms.
my thoughts at 03:37 pm by fullcollapse
[ another false alarm, red flashing lights ]
today i am supposed to hang out with shaun. but i dunno if i wanna do anything right now. hes at dbd practice anyways. maybe ill see if we can do something tonight, instead of today. besides i have to clean out my dresser and do my laundry and such.
im listening to the used i love them. i saw them in concert in february with finch. i remember when i first found out about the concert, it was like in december and john and i were going to go together as a date, but then he broke up with me before it, and as you know if you read one of my first entries i started going out with shaun. and shaun and i went together with branson and shawn. it was so cold and we stood outside for an hour and a half. i had to go into chipotle and sit down because i couldnt feel my feet. i was so cold. but yeah. it was an awesome concert lol
i have to go get my thursday ticket. and then i need to get my check cashed from work, so i can buy my saves the day/taking back sunday ticket. this is gonna be the greatest month.
ive realized i like being in my dreams so much better than being in reality. i can only be with john in my dreams, so it is there that i am truly happy. but it reminds me of a song by the band agent felix ( they have since changed their sound and their name to Mashlin ) it says...
so here I am
locked away in a perfect dream
take a look around I have everything
and the more I stare
the more I feel so empty
cause soon I'll wake up with nothing
its just a dream
I can't bring any of it back with me
(go back to sleep)
cut out my eyes before they tell my mind
what they just saw
I'd rather be naive
so lets play pretend and I'll believe in anything
that is my life right now. but now i think im gonna go let my puppies in, and then watch a movie.
should've done something but ive done it enough by the way your hands were shaking rather waste some time with you.
my thoughts at 11:28 am by fullcollapse
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[ called ] Kaitlin
[ remix ] Kate, Kiddo, Katie ( to a select few anyways )
[ blows out the candles ] May 25
[ candles ] 16
[ brushes ] dark brown hair with red highlighs
[ sees the world thru ] brown eyes
[ stands at ] 5'1"
[ ear candy ] Finch, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, Further Seems Forever, Thursday, Evanescence, Saves The Day, Something Corporate, Dashboard, Juliana Theory, Weezer, AFI, Korn, Taproot, TRUSTcompany, Adema, Saliva, Day Before Disaster ( much love to you guys ), 2nd Day ( i love ya guys! ) much more...
[ latitude, longitude ] Reynoldsburg, Ohio
[ lives for ] shaun. but i'm still in love with John...complicated i know  the true love of my life lol
Now it has occurred and I can't escape, from these memories that run so deep, prevented of everything devoid of sleep, and my attempt at deletion remains incomplete.
Contact Me
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