Sunday, September 14, 2003
[ as if i'd fall to pieces in the wake of your design ]
ok so well its been a hell of a few days... friday night shaun and i went to the football game. i was happy to hang out with my twin. i love him. and that night john found out amanda cheated on him. and supposedly he had wanted to take me instead to homecoming. but that didnt happen. but he did go to ridgeways that night to get drunk, and me shaun and chris went over there to make sure he was ok. when we got there the beer wasnt there yet so he wasnt drunk, but we finally left and he gave us all hugs, i was last and i gave him this big hug and he squeezed me a little extra squeeze. i felt so bad for the guy not just because i want him badly lol but because he is one of my best friends and i care about him.
but yeah so yesterday ( saturday, the day of homecoming ) i had to work, and all my friends went to homecoming. jacks away message made me feel better though, it said KAITLIN I LOVE YOU WISH YOU WERE HERE BABES! so that made me happy. my brother felt bad for me so he and i went to the movies and he wanted to see Freddy VS Jason and i was like ok whatever even though i had already seen it. and i came home and went to bed so i wouldnt have to talk to anyone about homecoming.
i guess john and amanda are still going out. ill never understand him. he said he "loved" her. which is bullshit because i of all people know how he is. he told me he "loved" me too. and i was stupid enough to believe it. i wish everyday now that i had never fallen for him. but oh well. what can you do.
jack said homecoming was fun and he made me mad by talking about it. so when i talked to shaun the first thing i said was i dont wanna hear about homecoming. and he told me it sucked and it wasnt fun. so it was ok lol. shaun always makes me feel better.
but the winner of the prize of making my day goes to dave. he made me realize that to get over john i have to truly want it. and i realized that i didnt wanna get over him. because i would constantly think " what if he comes back, i want to still be here" but i learned thats not the way to think. if theres any doubt even way back in the back of your mind, then you wont move on. so i really do want to move on now. well im trying at least. if i really do love him, then yeah i will always have those feelings for him but it wont get me down now. i wont let it. im gonna live my life and if for some strange ray of hope, john comes back then i'll be the happiest girl alive, but im still going to be happy either way. ive tried to be positive all day, and it worked for a little bit, and i was like hey if john is happy being with a cheating slut, then hey im happy for him. ill always be here for him though and i hope he knows it.
today he took me to pic up the madlab pics and the thoughts of how i like him so much came back and i was just like its not meant to be. at least not now. so give it up. but i did it in a positive way. i think if i get down again like i have been dave is going to kick me. lol.
the only thing is, when im alone, im still depressed. i sat in my room or i slept today. my mom is getting worried. shes realized im depressed. and yesterday she tried her best to cheer me up. i told her i think i have borderline personality disorder and she and i are gonna research it. the only fear i have is going to a doctor. shaun is the only one who knows this. he was like i feel so bad that you have to go thru this. and i was like yeah me too. it would be nice to be one of those normal people who never have to deal with being sad and depressed. but theres nothing to really do about it. so yeah. i love shaun. lol
well there was my weekend. ill be off now.
im trading them in for my pride war emblem.
my thoughts at 08:06 pm by fullcollapse
Thursday, September 11, 2003
[ please don't think that this is easy ]
ok so after school erin had to go to her hair consultation for homecoming and it was at 3.. we didnt leave school until about 2:30. so i went with her. and while we were sitting there ( me erin jess and cami ) i realized how badly i wanted to go to homecoming. im gonna ask dave tonight if he is free saturday. jess said she would do my hair... i really wanna go.. that way i can a) have a good time b) show john i could give a shit about him and c) let john know he didnt ruin this night for me.... even though i know im gonna be jealous of john and amanda.. oh well i wont let him know that...
blah so nothing happened at school today...
i had a pre-cal quiz.. i think i did bad... and i know i did really good on my ap euro quiz i got 9/10! woo hoo...
john and i talked in the car this morning. we never talk on the way to school. i was like yay!! lol
shaun and i are supposed to hang out sunday. im really happy. i told him i feel like i lost my best friend. and he told me he loved me. i was like aw shaun i love you too. :) he is my bestest friend. i love him. hehe
well i think i shall go.
they'll never hurt you like i do.
my thoughts at 04:11 pm by fullcollapse
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
[ december was a long year ]
my thoughts at 03:41 pm by fullcollapse
[ my hands are at your throat and i think i hate you ]
blah so school was gay. i hate this years freshman. i mean who turns the lights off when someone is trying to pee. dammit. ill kill them all.
last night to john i was like " by the way, have a nice time at homecoming " and he goes "ah" and i was like "what" and he goes "thanks......." and so duh i put "....." then he got kicked off and when he got back on , he didnt say anything to me.... hmmm oh well he picked me up for school. we never talk in the morning. so i think maybe he forgot? who knows........ ahhh ...
stephs birthday is saturday. dunno what to get her.....hmmmm...
gotta pay my french and physics fees... grr.. and i have to type up my part of the physics lab report... not hard at all...
i have a quiz in pre-calculus enriched tomorrow..grrr and i have 2 little quizzes in AP Euro. it will be easy if i can remember the names of the rivers, seas, mountains, and peninsulas all over europe. lol... it wont be hard...
i told shaun i missed him and that we never hang out anymore. and he was like i know! we need to hang out! i was like yeah... i miss my twin!
and for some reason i miss talking to chris..lol...weird... and i miss john of course...
ok well im gonna go eat my spagettio's...
if i'm just bad news then you're a liar
my thoughts at 03:23 pm by fullcollapse
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
[ the sound now turns to silence ]
yeah so john definatley is going with amanda to homecoming. i wanna yell at him so much because he lied to me. but fuck it. i dont give a shit anymore. i am tired of him. i'm getting over him. i'm leaving him in the past and this time its for good. wish me luck. also i do believe everyone is pitching in and having a hotel party. which everyone except me is invited to. which makes me want to chop off johns dick. after school he came back and picked amanda up right... bitch never would do that for me.. and well he talked to ryan about the hotel and i talked to jen. then they left and i was standing right next to him right, and he walked away from me, and didnt even say a word to me. i was like uh ok asshole.
what i miss the most is the friendship we had before. we could sit together and talk and it wouldnt be gay and awkward. he was there for me when i needed him and i needed to talk to him. we were close and now we are just friends who dont even talk. and that upsets me. if i cant have a relationship with him, then i should at least be able to have a good friendship right? i at least deserve that, but obviously thats impossible. kaitlin doesn't get the great friendship moments. no not anymore. i have pretty much given up on life.
i seriously sat and thought the other day, that if i died, who would come to my showing, and who would go to my funeral. and who would cry? i talked to erin about this, and she has wondered the same thing. the sad part is we actually thought about faking our own deaths, to see. i talked to shaun about it ( at least hes allowed to still talk to me, im waiting for the day when he is so controlled by patty he will stop talking to me all together) well i told him how i felt and how i wanted to know how many people really cared about me, and how many would come to my funeral. and how i wondered who would care enough and be sad enough to let at least one tear drop from their eye. and shaun told me to not think like that and that he would definately go to my funeral and he would definately cry. and that made me feel a little better. but i want to know if dave, and john, and chase, and adam, like if the people im not close to would go. i want to know if john would cry. and chris and ryan. would the world really notice if another depressed 16 year old girl was dead? and its at this point that i wonder would my school notice. would my friends be lost without me. i really want to know. and i sat around and thought about this and bawled my eyes out. i dont want to die really, but then again i sit and think that ok ive done so many things and experienced so much at this age, that would i really be missing out if i died. i found someone i loved, i had the chance of a lifetime to go to europe, i had some great friends, and a great family.... so now i give up on life. not necissarily to die, but i give up the world of fun. since i sit around by myself all the time, listening to music. i mean what do i do that is considered living. because that sure isnt.
on a happier note, dave and i are talking again. not as in i like you talking. just actual conversation. he told me i really shouldnt put up with anyones shit. because i have enough stress of my own. and he called me too. im glad we are talking. lol. i missed not talking to him. for awhile today i was thinking i could ask dave to go with me to homecoming, but i decided not to. we are just friends, and i dont even wanna get pictures. i just want to go to go and be with friends. but i figured i would have a bad time because john and amanda. and since everyone was going to a PARTY afterwards that i WASNT even INVITED to...grr and i know steph is going. she wasnt going to even bother to tell me. shes getting a ride with get this none other than john himself. how fucking messed up is that. she knew he was going the whole time and didnt bother to tell me. man i have the best friends in the world.
fuck this shit. im gonna go.
naked in the rain of my own tears
my thoughts at 05:22 pm by fullcollapse
Monday, September 08, 2003
[ i'll stab you one time, i'll eat your heart out ]
ok so today steph says shes going out to eat with john for homecoming. and the mother fucker told me he wasnt going. i hate him. i hate everyone. and today amanda started taking labels from drink bottles using them as a book cover. im like ok, thats all me. ryan was like hey that looks familiar. i hate life. i hate everyone. besides shaun. hes my twin, even though hes whipped by patty times 1,000 he is getting his hair cut because PATTY wants him to. im like dude your are 18, you are always saying i do what i want, and yet he listens to her. damn. its been like 2 weeks. i give up on everything. thats the end of my entry right there.
i think about you sometimes and wanna kill you.
my thoughts at 03:03 pm by fullcollapse
Sunday, September 07, 2003
[ i never wanted it to hurt more than it should ]
grrr this is making me mad. shaun can hang out with any friends, as long as its not me. and its because of patty. he can hang out with any GUY but not me, because i am a girl. i know thats what it is. she probably doesnt like me or the fact that shaun is.. no wait WAS my best friend. because he isn't anymore. i never even get to hang out with him. as soon as i got to the tomato festival last night they had to leave. i was like ok jackass. somehow shaun feels really close to me. and im like uhhh yeah ok retard....
grrrrrrrr.... i hate people. i hate boys. i hate anything male. even hamsters. i dunno. i made it up.
thank god amanda wasnt at the tomato festival last night. i would have been so like blahhh.... ya know? yeah
shaun is with patty every fucking day. man hes whipped. and it makes me so fucking mad. even when he was with korina, it wasnt this bad. jesus.
and of course i am talking to shaun online, and he goes are you going to the dance? What kind of idiot is he? Everyone has a date, besides me, why the FUCK would i go? hes asked me this like 4 times in the last 4 days. god. and it just makes me sad. i told katie ( c, not johns sis) what john did, and he and her really dont get along so she was like what the fuck? she was mad too. lol.
grrr damn high school and drama. its so fucking useless. i wish i had never liked john. and i wish he had never asked me to go to homecoming with him. i hope he finds out amanda cheated on him. and i wont be there for him. im tired of him. and his shit.
and last night he and i were fighting like i said in my last entry. and i wish he wouldnt do that because its flirting. and he knows how much i want him. its exactly like it was last summer when he liked me and i didnt know it, and when i liked him and he didnt know it. we always would fight like that. and im like grr why does he do it? does he like me at all and thats why he does it. because he doesnt really do it to anyone else. last night erin and i were like BLAH... we cant figure out what we find so great in john and dave. maybe we will never know. but we are doomed forever.
and i am tired of complaining. so im gonna go.
there you are asleep against the window pane just like always.
my thoughts at 01:58 pm by fullcollapse
Saturday, September 06, 2003
[ chasing the ghost of a good thing ]
tomato festival tonight... it was okay. erin saba and sabas sister sarah and i went. we finally found john and chase and them. ahhh i like john so much.
he and i were fighting. not like fighting but playing. i kneed him in the balls. lol . it was funny. adam and i were slapping each others faces. and we called a truce. then john and adam came up behind me and slapped me at the same time on each side of my face. i tried all night to get them back by kicking them in the balls, but i never got it. john did get hit in the balls like two times after that though. he picked up joshs little brother and he kicked him. lol. and i dont remember who else hit him. but i do know that jack pissed him off big time. so i didnt bother him anymore. i never got adam, he and i have another truce. i dunno if i believe it this time. hmmmm....
erin and i are so sad... tonight erin was like hes not jesus, hes not coming back. lol. it was funny. it was about john and dave both. lol.. that was the funniest thing tonight. i like john so much. amanda wasnt there tonight. grrr why...............
well im gonna go cuz i'm sad.
dont complicate it by hesitating.
my thoughts at 11:14 pm by fullcollapse
Friday, September 05, 2003
[ nice guys finished last, you're running out of gas ]
ahhh so today john wore jeans. he never wears actual jeans. man he looked hot in them. lol.... yeah so im weird. and he had on his beanie.. AHHH great.. lol. i want him so bad. man im lame.
so its friday. and i have no plans. woo hoo how cool am i? not at all. erin and jess are going to the game. and i have no desire to go. so im not hanging out with them. john will be with amanda. shaun with patty. steph working or with jack. i really hate to say it but i like it better when shaun and john were single. well john duh, but not really for that reason, its just we hung out more when he wasnt with anyone. and the same with shaun. poo on them both. i saw them leaving today. right after 5th period. i wish i could leave. damn the school.
im so bored... my mom wants me to go see my cousin kyle play football. he plays for zanesville and they are playing beechcroft somewhere in columbus? gay...
but yeah so i dunno what to talk about.. nothing happened today... so ill go. if i do anything tonight, ill update.
i watch the stars as they fall from the sky
my thoughts at 03:47 pm by fullcollapse
Thursday, September 04, 2003
[ i dont believe in you now ]
wandering around,
with no destination,
her eyes cast down.
wishing to be held,
where did those days go?
when did the sun set?
no one notices the pain she lives thru,
as the hours pass by.
doesn't anyone notice the tear in her eye?
she stops dead in her tracks,
the clouds roll past the sun.
the world is dark,
and she screams out in pain.
hear the plea she utters with dying breaths.
the air is cold, and she weeps.
hitting the ground,
her life drains away into our memories.
my thoughts at 05:45 pm by fullcollapse
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[ called ] Kaitlin
[ remix ] Kate, Kiddo, Katie ( to a select few anyways )
[ blows out the candles ] May 25
[ candles ] 16
[ brushes ] dark brown hair with red highlighs
[ sees the world thru ] brown eyes
[ stands at ] 5'1"
[ ear candy ] Finch, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, Further Seems Forever, Thursday, Evanescence, Saves The Day, Something Corporate, Dashboard, Juliana Theory, Weezer, AFI, Korn, Taproot, TRUSTcompany, Adema, Saliva, Day Before Disaster ( much love to you guys ), 2nd Day ( i love ya guys! ) much more...
[ latitude, longitude ] Reynoldsburg, Ohio
[ lives for ] shaun. but i'm still in love with John...complicated i know  the true love of my life lol
Now it has occurred and I can't escape, from these memories that run so deep, prevented of everything devoid of sleep, and my attempt at deletion remains incomplete.
Contact Me
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