[ full collapse ]

Thursday, September 04, 2003

[ you're a lush, and i hate it ]

yeah so last night amanda was talking to me. and it was like we were good friends. i was just like uhhhh GO AWAY. hmmmmmmmmm weird...

today we had 7 people in erins old honda civic. you know they are SMALL. jessica and her sisters friend katie were riding shotgun then cami, lara ( jess's sister), this guy john, and i were in the back. and get this erin hit a car in the parking lot. lol it was funny as hell. i dont know how we got home without getting pulled over. lol.

ryan, jen and i made our box today for the egg thing. i dunno if i wrote about it but yeah. and then ryan and i blew up these balloons. i carried mine around lol.

lunch was alright. but there are still too many people. grrr...

there are these two german exchange students in my french class. and this one is really pretty, and she is a vegetarian too! and i guess she had called frenchy, and i guess he thinks hes gonna get laid. lol. weird kids. lol

more homework. grrr. pre-cal enriched...ummm what else, i think thats it? hmm oh well i dont have my book. saba has it.

well i dont really have much to write about...except it was kinda weird this morning with john. man i like him so much. grrrrrrrrr.... amanda isnt even pretty..

ok im done. before i do off rambling about john and amanda.

i never said a thing to hurt you, its what i didnt say that made you cry

my thoughts at 03:56 pm by fullcollapse
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Wednesday, September 03, 2003

[ the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past ]

yeah so it was the first day of school today. woo hoo. sike. i set four alarms just to make sure i woke up this morning. john picked me up around 6:45. i didnt know if i wrote that he was gonna be my ride to school or not. its so weird. he doesnt take amanda but thats cuz she lives right across from the school. but yeah its weird. i like him so much. and i have found out that no one really likes her. they think she puts too much gel in her hair and stuff. lol. my good old friends for you.

heres my schedule :

1st Period- Studyhall- With Shaun, Chase, Jessica M, Jessica B, Erin E, Erica G, Savannah

2nd Period- Student Helper- Rettke- with Litz and Nick

3rd Period- Pre-Calculus Enriched- with Steph, Litz, and Mike

4th Period- French 3- with Jenna, Alex, Elise, Mike, Carrie

5th Period- Lunch- with Jen, Ryan, Amanda, Jessie P, Mike, Justin, Saba, and Kt M. ( Ryan and i claimed our table from last year. woo hoo!!! he and i are the only originals at the table. john, chris, and josh arent there. :( im pretty sure someone else was in there but i cant remember )

6th Period- Physics- with Jen, Ryan, Abby, Danny, Jahaya

7th Period- English 11 Enriched- with Steph, Katie A, Whitney, Natalie, Rachel, Jahaya

8th Period- Modern European History AP- with Steph and Jeremy

so yeah. shaun and john are leaving every day at 12:15. those bastards. lol. ryan is staying all day because of jen... GRRRRRRRRRR, and chris is leaving at 1:25. this morning john said that he was gonna go home every day and take a nap. i was like why didnt you just get a late arrival, and he was like i would have if i had known ryan was gonna stay all day. he said he was hoping that they could have had practice after chris got out at 1:25, but now ryan messed it up. and then john was like then ryan and jen are gonna break up and ryan is gonna be mad cuz he is stuck there all day.

i dont like amanda sitting with us at lunch. its too creepy. i dont think she really likes me though. i dunno. she knows how i feel about john. so yeah.... but oh well. screw her. she all smiles at me, and it looks so fake, like she is forcing herself to do it, and i mean i do the same thing so i guess i cant really say anything. but i guess shaun doesnt like the way she is or something? erin was like she has everything we want, cuz amanda was gonna go with dave (t) to homecoming, which is the whole reason john asked me. but what do you know, amanda messed it up for me. woo hoo that sure earns her brownie points only the exact opposite. today in studyhall chase goes, are john and amanda going back out, and i was like yeah and he was like OF COURSE you would know. i was like uhh ok?? i hate it when people do that.

man this is a long entry. i dont like having french 4th period because heidi and lyndsey are in there. and i dont get along with them AT ALL. grrr... alex is in there lol. i love her.

hmm physics with jen and ryan oh man this is gonna be fun. sike. we already have a lab we are starting tomorrow im like dude what the fuck? and in pre-cal enriched we have homework? but im not gonna do it. she said she hardly will ever check our homework, so im not doing it even though its just review and its lik 8 problems. lol. man i have had senioritis since i was a sophomore.

erin is my ride home from now on, until steph gets her license anyways. she was below empty so we were praying to make it to a gas station. lol. i guess on the way to school, her car stopped. lol.

i guess emili is being gay again. she got a ride to school with the guy john that kt likes. not her brother john but yeah . lol. and i was like she never does that stuff to me. and saba was like she will remember i told you about how she does that. i was like yeah i know. and kt was like she is stuck up your ass thats why she doesnt do it. i was like huh? emili stuck up my ass? huh?? saba was like yeah she is, she thinks its cool to be friends with someone who seems cooler than us. i was like WHAT? how the hell am i cool. i hang out with homos. well they arent really gay. but i mean look at them!! oh well i dont understand it all, but oh well.. pshhh i dont have time for that shit.

another year of high school means another year of aquafina labels. last year i covered my entire chemistry binder in 2 weeks. it took 16 bottle labels to cover it. i already have one bottle label for my physics binder. so far i bought 2 bottles of water. i am going to keep count and see how much money i spend on water this year. wish me luck that i will actually remember!!!! lol

ugh all the freshman come in and act like they are the shit. and im not racist but geez they all seem to be black. no offense to anyone who is black, i have black friends and i love them, but it makes me mad because we have all these new students from independence, and walnut ridge and we already didnt have enough room for the people we had. good news i havent yet seen a rolly bookbag although chase claims one ran over his foot before 1ST PERIOD. lol. yeah and then the sophomores were like WOO HOO WE ARE SO COOL. and when really they are just annoying out the ass. grrr. i was never like that. but maybe its because all my friends were older. who knows.... my entire lunch is made up of sophomores and freshman. im like blahhhh... its so crowded in there. oh what i wouldnt give to have last years lunch back. ahhh bliss. lol.... ok im done. it will be a sad day when i am finally a senior next year, because john, shaun, chris, ryan, jack, megan, carie, joe, and chase ( hopefully he will) will have graduated. :'( sniff sniff. oh and get this. 14 of the freshman are pregnant. DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....... ok im done for real this time.

alright well this is the worlds longest and probably boringest entry. so im gonna go.

can you hear me smiling when i sing this song?

my thoughts at 04:53 pm by fullcollapse
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Tuesday, September 02, 2003

[ i saved the pieces when it broke, and ground them all to dust ]

i love it when it rains.
the drops hit my face
and remind me why i hate this place.
you're always here, i can't get away.
i see you in my dreams, and i have to live thru the day.
why won't you just make it stop?
i think about this with every rain drop.
i love it when it rains.
its beautiful and its pain.
i think about this, and i cry.
with every drop i say i love you and hope to die.
i won't look in your eyes, i know now, its a disguise.
you don't know what i feel,
its so hard to deal.
catch me, in the rain,
hold my hand, and feel my pain.
become one,
and i'll stand there til time is done.
i love it when it rains.
i love the feel of pain.
its my time,
i lost, i lived my life,
i pay the cost.
carry me far from here,
away from you,
but you're still near.
whereever i am, the rain will fall,
and i'll stand still, careful not to think at all.
i love it when it rains.

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my thoughts at 06:27 pm by fullcollapse
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[ no one should ever feel the way that i feel now ]

ok so i buy a dress and for what? nothing. john is going out with amanda now. so screw homecoming... he actually felt really bad and he should have. i made him feel like total shit. and what he doesnt know is how much i cryed last night. he isnt going to homecoming now, and neither am i. he was like it wouldnt be fair to you if i went with amanda and it wouldnt be fair to amanda if i went with you. i was about to say acutally it would, because you had asked me and she had had another date. but i didnt.

how can one person hurt you so much? he has put me thru more shit than anyone. i hate to say it but i think he has made me cry more than i cryed over the death of my grandmother.

last night i had the perfect opportunity to tell john that amanda had cheated on him. but i didnt. i could bring myself to. it wouldnt be right coming from me. and i doubt he would have believed me. he would have said i only said it because the way i feel for him.

but i did succeed in making him feel really bad. he told me to tell him what to do and he said he would do what i say. but i was like "im not going to tell you. you already know that i want to go with you. but i am not telling you to go with me, because you want amanda. i know how you DONT feel about me" i dont want him to go with me because i want him to. it would kill me to go with him now because he would rather be with amanda. i was like even if you arent going to homecoming now, you will still be with amanda. meanwhile i will still be at home by myself.

god this shit always happens to me. i decided that if you dont expect anything youre world wont come crashing down. so i have given up hope. hope in everything. hope is a useless emotion. as for me i have too much trust in people. i realize im no longer trusting anything or anyone. they only hurt me in the end.

john will never know that i cryed. cuz im not telling him. fuck him. hes hurt me too many times. and he said he was sorry for ever hurting me. but its bull. he would just do it again. i have learned my lesson.

as for me now,
i will sit here and let myself,
be carried off by the wind.
land somewhere far away,
start a new life,
where you aren't.
but really it does no use,
every where, is a person like you.
never will i open up,
being open makes you a target,
for pain and hurt.
i trusted you too easily,
but i have learned,
never to love anyone.

i still cant get out of this hole. i dug myself too deep. i can cry out but no one will hear.

my thoughts at 01:19 pm by fullcollapse
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Monday, September 01, 2003

[ is this what you want, is this what you need? ]

all i can say right now, is OMG OMG OMG OMG.... last night john told me he read erin's blog. and in it she had pasted something i had said about me and him and how i love him and how hes all i think about, and blah blah blah. and then he apologized for everything he did to me. i was like its ok. i mean what else was i supposed to say? and he was like no its not. and he was like i kinda new already. i was like yeah i know. and then he asked me to homecoming? but its as friends. but i'm still like OMG. lol. it was kinda weird. but its cool. i am happy. i need a dress.... i dont wanna wear stephs.

hmm yesterday i got up at 7 and went to caldwell ( hour and a half trip )to see my grandpa and to go to the mass in honor of my grandmother. and then we ( my mom, my aunt, my cousin, my two great aunts, and my great uncle ) all went to visit my grandmothers grave, and we went to eat. then we went back to my grandfathers house. he isnt doing well. he has no stomach and no colon, and he took a whole pill when he only should have taken a half, and he thought he was dying. its really sad. i just lost my grandmother in may. i cant lose him now. i love him so much.

then on the way home we stopped in zanesville to see my cousin at her work. she works at jcpenny. we were gonna have her come back with us and stay the night but she had to work today so yeah. then we came home. and my grandmother, grandfather, uncle, mom and dad went to eat. then we came home and went over to my grandmothers house ( the one who is still alive obviously) and had dessert. then i finally got home at 9:30 pm.

today i got up at 11. and went to the store with my mom. soon my brother is leaving to go back to rio grande. then i think my mom and i are going to polaris. woo hoo dress time.

hmmm well i should go.

she said i've gotta be honest you're wasting your time if you fishing around here.

my thoughts at 01:51 pm by fullcollapse
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Saturday, August 30, 2003

[ when i leave will you be one to wipe your eye ]

so i havent wrote in a few days. i haven't been home. i had to work on friday, and friday night, i went and saw my boss's daughter with steph and bransen. you wouldnt think it would be funny at all. but it was hilarious. ashton kutcher is hot too. i stayed the night at stephs.and then i came home today, and went to canal winchester to look at houses with my mom and dad. then we went to eat at my grandma's.. and i came home and i hung out with erin tonight.

john is getting on me to get the madlab pictures developed so i need to do that soon to get him off my back.

RYANPALOOZA IS NEXT SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 6TH!!! BE THERE. IM ME FOR DETAILS IF YOU LIVE NEAR ME.... RUBBERDUCKIE159.

i miss shaun. from what i hear, he isnt thinking about patty much. and that upsets me! ill have a talk with him when he gets back. after i give him a hug and tell him how much i missed him. lol. hes my best friend i am allowed to do that. lol.

BUCKEYES WON TONIGHT! woo hoo. it would be so sweet if we had another season like last season. and we were national champions again. but with whatever is going on with clarett...eek i dunno. all i can think about is john when it comes to thinking of the fiesta bowl. cuz he had come over to jen's where i was, and he jen, shannon ( jen's neighbor) and i went to shannon's house and no one was home because they were all at jen's. and john and i were flirting... and i wound up laying on top of him? i cant remember how, and he was all holding me.. ahh it was great and we started making out and jen hit us with a pillow and was like no more of that. and we stopped and looked at her, then back at each other, and we shrugged our shoulders and went back to making out. lol. that was the greatest night ever. besides the night he sang a song for me at the coffee shop, which is also the night we started officially going out. hehe man i am a loser. i will stop boring everyone who reads this.
you know i only feel this way about one, and you know only my eyes can say what i feel. you are the only one who can tell what i am thinking before i speak. you read the emotions in my eyes, faster than the sky can change. expression is my gift, and i am glad i can share it with you.

sorry i had to put that in there. dunno why, but i felt like writing it .

i wrote this last night.

you get me everytime. everytime i pass you by, my heart lifts a little, and my eyes shine a little brighter.

they arent anything special just had to put them in.
lol alright well i should go. i have to get up early tomorrow to go to a mass an hour and half away because it is in honor of my grandmother who died. or else i wouldnt go. i dont like church.

please dont play with me, my paper heart will bleed

my thoughts at 11:59 pm by fullcollapse
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Thursday, August 28, 2003

[ i watch the stars as they fall from the sky ]

FULL NAME: Kaitlin Elizabeth

GENDER: Female

BIRTHDAY: May 25, 1987

BIRTHPLACE: Westerville, Ohio

HOME: Reynoldsburg, Ohio

HEIGHT: 5'1"

EYES: Brown

HAIR: dark brown with red highlights

THUNDERSTORMS- COOL OR SCARY?: Cool

WHAT'S YOU ZODIC SIGN?: gemini

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: yep

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: half empty

NAME A SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOURSELF OR THAT YOU CAN RELATE TO?: what it is to burn by finch, and about a million others

HAVE YOU EVER SAVED YOUR CHAT CONVERSTIONS?: Yep

*****************FUTURE*******************

SCHOOL?: gotta finish high school, then i'm going to college

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN YEARS?: well ill be 26 so i see myself being married. thats as far as i see.

HOME?: i dont know

NUMBER OF KIDS?: 2

FUTURE DAUGHTERS NAME?: Jamie Alexandra
FUTURE SONS NAME?: Andrew Michael

*************HAVE YOU EVER*************

BROKEN THE LAW?: Yes... no further comment..

RAN AWAY FROM HOME?: yea

HAD A MEDICAL EMERGENCY?: yeah

*************DO YOU BELIVE IN...*************

LOVE AT FIRST SITE?: Yes

GOD?: yea

ALIENS?: yes

HOROSCOPES?: yeah

YOURSELF?: Most of the time

*************WHICH IS BETTER?**************

IN THE CAR...AC OR OPEN WINDOWS?: Windows open

PEN OR PENCIL?: Pen

CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?: chocolate

COOL RANCH OR NATCHO CHEESE DORITO'S?: Cool Ranch

MUD WRESTLING OR JELLO WRESTLING?: Jell-O

COKE OR PEPSI?: neither, i don't drink pop

DEAF OR BLIND?: Deaf

ADIDAS,NIKE,OR REEBOCK?: Adidas

BLONDES,BRUNETTES OR READHEADS?: brunettes
TALL OR SHORT?: Tall

TV OR RADIO?: tv

WHITE OR CHOCOLATE MILK?: Chocolate

*********WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...**********

GOT A LETTER IN THE MAIL?: hell i dunno

********************WHAT?***********************

IS YOUR MOST IMPROTANT POSSESION?: my poetry, and the necklaces from my mom and chris, and my things from france

IS THE WORST SONG YOU'VE EVER HEARD: anything rap, its not even singing, and its not music. there are no instruments

WHAT'S THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY?: well it will sound stupid but what dave said about me that i posted earlier, it was last night but it was today. get it?

WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT OF WHEN YOU WOKE UP?: john

WHAT'S THE WOST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: losing someone close to you

WHAT'S THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: being held in someones arms and them telling you that they love you and that you are beautiful

WHAT'S YOU FAVORITE NUMBER?: 4 or 9

WHAT'S ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: pictures of friends and pictures from france, a mallrats poster, the used poster, sarah michelle gellar poster, a bulliten board, awards, a cross, university of rio grande pendant, day before disaster pics

WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU EVER DID?: ummm well lets say it was illegal and i got caught

********************FAVORITES*******************

FAVORITE T.V SHOW?: Buffy The Vampire Slayer all the way, and then there is Angel, and Smallville, and That 70's Show

FAVORITE SPORT?: Baseball and Football

FAVORITE SHAMPOO?: Pantene Pro V

FAVORITE BOOK?: Lord of The Rings Trilogy, any Harry Potter Book, anything Buffy/Angel

FAVORITE MAGAZINE?: Alternative Press, Seventeen, YM

FAVORITE DRINK?: Water or Lemonade

FAVORITE FOOD?: PASTA....anything italian that doesnt contain meat really. i think its because i'm italian thats the only thing i could come up with

FAVORITE COLOR?: red

FAVORITE SOUND?: music

FAVORITE SMELL?: My french perfume? or Clinique Happy, or Night Blossom

FAVORITE THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND?: go see DBD or 2nd Day play. or sit at home and write my poetry and listen to music, or just go out with friends

FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK?: Buffy The Musical lol

FAVORITE MOVIE?: oh god here we go.... Tommy Boy, Mallrats, Lord Of The Rings (all even though the 3rd one isn't out for 111 days i know i will love it ) Harry Potter (same as with LOTR), Star Wars ( all ), Down To You, Now And Then, A Walk To Remember, Dogma, Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back, Chasing Amy, Clerks, Empire Records....and more

*********************IF**********************

IF YOU COULD HAVE A PIERCING WHERE WOULD IT BE?: my eyebrow

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?: ummm interior designer?

IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT COLOR WOULD IT BE?: pink

IF YOU COULD HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT AND WHERE WOULD IT BE?: my lower back, it would be a gemini sign surrounded by stars in a circle

******************DO YOU*********************

DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?: No

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?: yeah

DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL, IF SO WHAT?: no
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEY'S: nope

***********************WHO*******************

WHO DO YOU TRUST THE MOST WITH ANYTHING?: Saba

WHO DO YOU GO TO FOR ADVICE?: steph, saba, litz

my thoughts at 01:28 pm by fullcollapse
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[ all i can do is sigh, and wonder why ]

i didnt want to update right now, because i wanted you to see lovely and gorgeous orlando when you first came to my diary, but i felt the need to put this conversation between dave and i in here....

rubbeR DucKie159: you think im weird.
x2ndDaVeX: yes
x2ndDaVeX: sometimes
x2ndDaVeX: but your the cutest:-D
x2ndDaVeX: your so adorable
rubbeR DucKie159: yay! :-D
x2ndDaVeX: your smile
x2ndDaVeX: i like it
x2ndDaVeX: and your eyes are VERY cute
rubbeR DucKie159: really
x2ndDaVeX: staring into them makes me want to kiss you haha so i avoid it
rubbeR DucKie159: oh i see
x2ndDaVeX: i feel bad kissing you
x2ndDaVeX: i feel like i'm leading you on
x2ndDaVeX: i want to sooooo bad but
x2ndDaVeX: the john thing
rubbeR DucKie159: yeah i know
x2ndDaVeX: did you think anything would ever happen between us?
rubbeR DucKie159: i dunno. i kinda wanted something to.
x2ndDaVeX: ..
rubbeR DucKie159: ...

now dave hasnt said anything in awhile. i am doomed to live a life of loneliness because i am in love with john. no relationship will work out for me. but its ok. because i feel that maybe i'm not supposed to have a relationship right now... i dunno

i put too much hope and too many dreams,
into the skies at night.
i wish on stars that aren't meant for wishing,
i constantly search for the light.

i trust fate too easily,
and that is my downfall,
it will surely be my end,
but i will still stand tall.

won't you just take my hand,
and whisper in my ear,
that fate is on my side,
and i have nothing to fear?

hold me in your arms,
and kiss me on my head,
this is what i ask every night,

right before i go to bed.

ok well i think i will go. nothing good can come out of me right now.

it breaks my heart, and makes me sad, to think of all the times we had

my thoughts at 12:37 am by fullcollapse
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Wednesday, August 27, 2003

[ i don't believe that i'm getting any better ]

i'snt he gorgeous?

i think thats enough for now. but don't worry, there will be more. he is my god. he is gorgeous.

sitting here with hopes the phone will ring, and i'm thinking awful things

my thoughts at 07:24 pm by fullcollapse
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[ you'll always be my konstantine ]

yeah so yesterday after i wrote my entry, erin, katie, and i went to see if dave( erin's not mine) was still in the hospital cause he got beat with a cane. long story... but he wasnt. and we saw this creepy guy that scared the shit out of us. but yeah...

well then we went to eastland. then we went to thomas' for a little bit. i came home and erin was supposed to come pick me back up when she went to pick jess up from work. well they called me around 10 and they were gonna stay the night and we were gonna get drunk. by that time, my dad had come home with TWO TOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i watched that and waited for them to come over, and they didn't come over after all but it was cool cuz i was walking my movie anyways til 2 am. since you know it is 3 hours long.

today i woke up at 11:30 and watched a lot of the extra stuff from all the lord of the rings dvds. if i had watched it all it would take like 10 hours. because on the special extended dvd its got 6 hours alone. and then on the regular dvds for both the first and second they probably both have 2 hours. so yeah i didn't watch it all. i watched about half of it though. lol

and now i am going to get in the shower.

do you wanna know, what i think of you, cause you're not the way i thought you should be

my thoughts at 04:54 pm by fullcollapse
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