[ full collapse ]

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

[ the sound now turns to silence ]

yeah so john definatley is going with amanda to homecoming. i wanna yell at him so much because he lied to me. but fuck it. i dont give a shit anymore. i am tired of him. i'm getting over him. i'm leaving him in the past and this time its for good. wish me luck. also i do believe everyone is pitching in and having a hotel party. which everyone except me is invited to. which makes me want to chop off johns dick. after school he came back and picked amanda up right... bitch never would do that for me.. and well he talked to ryan about the hotel and i talked to jen. then they left and i was standing right next to him right, and he walked away from me, and didnt even say a word to me. i was like uh ok asshole.

what i miss the most is the friendship we had before. we could sit together and talk and it wouldnt be gay and awkward. he was there for me when i needed him and i needed to talk to him. we were close and now we are just friends who dont even talk. and that upsets me. if i cant have a relationship with him, then i should at least be able to have a good friendship right? i at least deserve that, but obviously thats impossible. kaitlin doesn't get the great friendship moments. no not anymore. i have pretty much given up on life.

i seriously sat and thought the other day, that if i died, who would come to my showing, and who would go to my funeral. and who would cry? i talked to erin about this, and she has wondered the same thing. the sad part is we actually thought about faking our own deaths, to see. i talked to shaun about it ( at least hes allowed to still talk to me, im waiting for the day when he is so controlled by patty he will stop talking to me all together) well i told him how i felt and how i wanted to know how many people really cared about me, and how many would come to my funeral. and how i wondered who would care enough and be sad enough to let at least one tear drop from their eye. and shaun told me to not think like that and that he would definately go to my funeral and he would definately cry. and that made me feel a little better. but i want to know if dave, and john, and chase, and adam, like if the people im not close to would go. i want to know if john would cry. and chris and ryan. would the world really notice if another depressed 16 year old girl was dead? and its at this point that i wonder would my school notice. would my friends be lost without me. i really want to know. and i sat around and thought about this and bawled my eyes out. i dont want to die really, but then again i sit and think that ok ive done so many things and experienced so much at this age, that would i really be missing out if i died. i found someone i loved, i had the chance of a lifetime to go to europe, i had some great friends, and a great family.... so now i give up on life. not necissarily to die, but i give up the world of fun. since i sit around by myself all the time, listening to music. i mean what do i do that is considered living. because that sure isnt.

on a happier note, dave and i are talking again. not as in i like you talking. just actual conversation. he told me i really shouldnt put up with anyones shit. because i have enough stress of my own. and he called me too. im glad we are talking. lol. i missed not talking to him. for awhile today i was thinking i could ask dave to go with me to homecoming, but i decided not to. we are just friends, and i dont even wanna get pictures. i just want to go to go and be with friends. but i figured i would have a bad time because john and amanda. and since everyone was going to a PARTY afterwards that i WASNT even INVITED to...grr and i know steph is going. she wasnt going to even bother to tell me. shes getting a ride with get this none other than john himself. how fucking messed up is that. she knew he was going the whole time and didnt bother to tell me. man i have the best friends in the world.

fuck this shit. im gonna go.

naked in the rain of my own tears

my thoughts at 05:22 pm by fullcollapse
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Monday, September 08, 2003

[ i'll stab you one time, i'll eat your heart out ]

ok so today steph says shes going out to eat with john for homecoming. and the mother fucker told me he wasnt going. i hate him. i hate everyone. and today amanda started taking labels from drink bottles using them as a book cover. im like ok, thats all me. ryan was like hey that looks familiar. i hate life. i hate everyone. besides shaun. hes my twin, even though hes whipped by patty times 1,000 he is getting his hair cut because PATTY wants him to. im like dude your are 18, you are always saying i do what i want, and yet he listens to her. damn. its been like 2 weeks. i give up on everything. thats the end of my entry right there.

i think about you sometimes and wanna kill you.

my thoughts at 03:03 pm by fullcollapse
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Sunday, September 07, 2003

[ i never wanted it to hurt more than it should ]

grrr this is making me mad. shaun can hang out with any friends, as long as its not me. and its because of patty. he can hang out with any GUY but not me, because i am a girl. i know thats what it is. she probably doesnt like me or the fact that shaun is.. no wait WAS my best friend. because he isn't anymore. i never even get to hang out with him. as soon as i got to the tomato festival last night they had to leave. i was like ok jackass. somehow shaun feels really close to me. and im like uhhh yeah ok retard....

grrrrrrrr.... i hate people. i hate boys. i hate anything male. even hamsters. i dunno. i made it up.

thank god amanda wasnt at the tomato festival last night. i would have been so like blahhh.... ya know? yeah

shaun is with patty every fucking day. man hes whipped. and it makes me so fucking mad. even when he was with korina, it wasnt this bad. jesus.

and of course i am talking to shaun online, and he goes are you going to the dance? What kind of idiot is he? Everyone has a date, besides me, why the FUCK would i go? hes asked me this like 4 times in the last 4 days. god. and it just makes me sad. i told katie ( c, not johns sis) what john did, and he and her really dont get along so she was like what the fuck? she was mad too. lol.

grrr damn high school and drama. its so fucking useless. i wish i had never liked john. and i wish he had never asked me to go to homecoming with him. i hope he finds out amanda cheated on him. and i wont be there for him. im tired of him. and his shit.

and last night he and i were fighting like i said in my last entry. and i wish he wouldnt do that because its flirting. and he knows how much i want him. its exactly like it was last summer when he liked me and i didnt know it, and when i liked him and he didnt know it. we always would fight like that. and im like grr why does he do it? does he like me at all and thats why he does it. because he doesnt really do it to anyone else. last night erin and i were like BLAH... we cant figure out what we find so great in john and dave. maybe we will never know. but we are doomed forever.

and i am tired of complaining. so im gonna go.

there you are asleep against the window pane just like always.

my thoughts at 01:58 pm by fullcollapse
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Saturday, September 06, 2003

[ chasing the ghost of a good thing ]

tomato festival tonight... it was okay. erin saba and sabas sister sarah and i went. we finally found john and chase and them. ahhh i like john so much.

he and i were fighting. not like fighting but playing. i kneed him in the balls. lol . it was funny. adam and i were slapping each others faces. and we called a truce. then john and adam came up behind me and slapped me at the same time on each side of my face. i tried all night to get them back by kicking them in the balls, but i never got it. john did get hit in the balls like two times after that though. he picked up joshs little brother and he kicked him. lol. and i dont remember who else hit him. but i do know that jack pissed him off big time. so i didnt bother him anymore. i never got adam, he and i have another truce. i dunno if i believe it this time. hmmmm....

erin and i are so sad... tonight erin was like hes not jesus, hes not coming back. lol. it was funny. it was about john and dave both. lol.. that was the funniest thing tonight. i like john so much. amanda wasnt there tonight. grrr why...............

well im gonna go cuz i'm sad.

dont complicate it by hesitating.

my thoughts at 11:14 pm by fullcollapse
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Friday, September 05, 2003

[ nice guys finished last, you're running out of gas ]

ahhh so today john wore jeans. he never wears actual jeans. man he looked hot in them. lol.... yeah so im weird. and he had on his beanie.. AHHH great.. lol. i want him so bad. man im lame.

so its friday. and i have no plans. woo hoo how cool am i? not at all. erin and jess are going to the game. and i have no desire to go. so im not hanging out with them. john will be with amanda. shaun with patty. steph working or with jack. i really hate to say it but i like it better when shaun and john were single. well john duh, but not really for that reason, its just we hung out more when he wasnt with anyone. and the same with shaun. poo on them both. i saw them leaving today. right after 5th period. i wish i could leave. damn the school.

im so bored... my mom wants me to go see my cousin kyle play football. he plays for zanesville and they are playing beechcroft somewhere in columbus? gay...

but yeah so i dunno what to talk about.. nothing happened today... so ill go. if i do anything tonight, ill update.

i watch the stars as they fall from the sky

my thoughts at 03:47 pm by fullcollapse
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Thursday, September 04, 2003

[ i dont believe in you now ]

wandering around,
with no destination,
her eyes cast down.
wishing to be held,
where did those days go?
when did the sun set?
no one notices the pain she lives thru,
as the hours pass by.
doesn't anyone notice the tear in her eye?
she stops dead in her tracks,
the clouds roll past the sun.
the world is dark,
and she screams out in pain.
hear the plea she utters with dying breaths.
the air is cold, and she weeps.
hitting the ground,
her life drains away into our memories.

my thoughts at 05:45 pm by fullcollapse
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[ you're a lush, and i hate it ]

yeah so last night amanda was talking to me. and it was like we were good friends. i was just like uhhhh GO AWAY. hmmmmmmmmm weird...

today we had 7 people in erins old honda civic. you know they are SMALL. jessica and her sisters friend katie were riding shotgun then cami, lara ( jess's sister), this guy john, and i were in the back. and get this erin hit a car in the parking lot. lol it was funny as hell. i dont know how we got home without getting pulled over. lol.

ryan, jen and i made our box today for the egg thing. i dunno if i wrote about it but yeah. and then ryan and i blew up these balloons. i carried mine around lol.

lunch was alright. but there are still too many people. grrr...

there are these two german exchange students in my french class. and this one is really pretty, and she is a vegetarian too! and i guess she had called frenchy, and i guess he thinks hes gonna get laid. lol. weird kids. lol

more homework. grrr. pre-cal enriched...ummm what else, i think thats it? hmm oh well i dont have my book. saba has it.

well i dont really have much to write about...except it was kinda weird this morning with john. man i like him so much. grrrrrrrrr.... amanda isnt even pretty..

ok im done. before i do off rambling about john and amanda.

i never said a thing to hurt you, its what i didnt say that made you cry

my thoughts at 03:56 pm by fullcollapse
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Wednesday, September 03, 2003

[ the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past ]

yeah so it was the first day of school today. woo hoo. sike. i set four alarms just to make sure i woke up this morning. john picked me up around 6:45. i didnt know if i wrote that he was gonna be my ride to school or not. its so weird. he doesnt take amanda but thats cuz she lives right across from the school. but yeah its weird. i like him so much. and i have found out that no one really likes her. they think she puts too much gel in her hair and stuff. lol. my good old friends for you.

heres my schedule :

1st Period- Studyhall- With Shaun, Chase, Jessica M, Jessica B, Erin E, Erica G, Savannah

2nd Period- Student Helper- Rettke- with Litz and Nick

3rd Period- Pre-Calculus Enriched- with Steph, Litz, and Mike

4th Period- French 3- with Jenna, Alex, Elise, Mike, Carrie

5th Period- Lunch- with Jen, Ryan, Amanda, Jessie P, Mike, Justin, Saba, and Kt M. ( Ryan and i claimed our table from last year. woo hoo!!! he and i are the only originals at the table. john, chris, and josh arent there. :( im pretty sure someone else was in there but i cant remember )

6th Period- Physics- with Jen, Ryan, Abby, Danny, Jahaya

7th Period- English 11 Enriched- with Steph, Katie A, Whitney, Natalie, Rachel, Jahaya

8th Period- Modern European History AP- with Steph and Jeremy

so yeah. shaun and john are leaving every day at 12:15. those bastards. lol. ryan is staying all day because of jen... GRRRRRRRRRR, and chris is leaving at 1:25. this morning john said that he was gonna go home every day and take a nap. i was like why didnt you just get a late arrival, and he was like i would have if i had known ryan was gonna stay all day. he said he was hoping that they could have had practice after chris got out at 1:25, but now ryan messed it up. and then john was like then ryan and jen are gonna break up and ryan is gonna be mad cuz he is stuck there all day.

i dont like amanda sitting with us at lunch. its too creepy. i dont think she really likes me though. i dunno. she knows how i feel about john. so yeah.... but oh well. screw her. she all smiles at me, and it looks so fake, like she is forcing herself to do it, and i mean i do the same thing so i guess i cant really say anything. but i guess shaun doesnt like the way she is or something? erin was like she has everything we want, cuz amanda was gonna go with dave (t) to homecoming, which is the whole reason john asked me. but what do you know, amanda messed it up for me. woo hoo that sure earns her brownie points only the exact opposite. today in studyhall chase goes, are john and amanda going back out, and i was like yeah and he was like OF COURSE you would know. i was like uhh ok?? i hate it when people do that.

man this is a long entry. i dont like having french 4th period because heidi and lyndsey are in there. and i dont get along with them AT ALL. grrr... alex is in there lol. i love her.

hmm physics with jen and ryan oh man this is gonna be fun. sike. we already have a lab we are starting tomorrow im like dude what the fuck? and in pre-cal enriched we have homework? but im not gonna do it. she said she hardly will ever check our homework, so im not doing it even though its just review and its lik 8 problems. lol. man i have had senioritis since i was a sophomore.

erin is my ride home from now on, until steph gets her license anyways. she was below empty so we were praying to make it to a gas station. lol. i guess on the way to school, her car stopped. lol.

i guess emili is being gay again. she got a ride to school with the guy john that kt likes. not her brother john but yeah . lol. and i was like she never does that stuff to me. and saba was like she will remember i told you about how she does that. i was like yeah i know. and kt was like she is stuck up your ass thats why she doesnt do it. i was like huh? emili stuck up my ass? huh?? saba was like yeah she is, she thinks its cool to be friends with someone who seems cooler than us. i was like WHAT? how the hell am i cool. i hang out with homos. well they arent really gay. but i mean look at them!! oh well i dont understand it all, but oh well.. pshhh i dont have time for that shit.

another year of high school means another year of aquafina labels. last year i covered my entire chemistry binder in 2 weeks. it took 16 bottle labels to cover it. i already have one bottle label for my physics binder. so far i bought 2 bottles of water. i am going to keep count and see how much money i spend on water this year. wish me luck that i will actually remember!!!! lol

ugh all the freshman come in and act like they are the shit. and im not racist but geez they all seem to be black. no offense to anyone who is black, i have black friends and i love them, but it makes me mad because we have all these new students from independence, and walnut ridge and we already didnt have enough room for the people we had. good news i havent yet seen a rolly bookbag although chase claims one ran over his foot before 1ST PERIOD. lol. yeah and then the sophomores were like WOO HOO WE ARE SO COOL. and when really they are just annoying out the ass. grrr. i was never like that. but maybe its because all my friends were older. who knows.... my entire lunch is made up of sophomores and freshman. im like blahhhh... its so crowded in there. oh what i wouldnt give to have last years lunch back. ahhh bliss. lol.... ok im done. it will be a sad day when i am finally a senior next year, because john, shaun, chris, ryan, jack, megan, carie, joe, and chase ( hopefully he will) will have graduated. :'( sniff sniff. oh and get this. 14 of the freshman are pregnant. DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....... ok im done for real this time.

alright well this is the worlds longest and probably boringest entry. so im gonna go.

can you hear me smiling when i sing this song?

my thoughts at 04:53 pm by fullcollapse
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Tuesday, September 02, 2003

[ i saved the pieces when it broke, and ground them all to dust ]

i love it when it rains.
the drops hit my face
and remind me why i hate this place.
you're always here, i can't get away.
i see you in my dreams, and i have to live thru the day.
why won't you just make it stop?
i think about this with every rain drop.
i love it when it rains.
its beautiful and its pain.
i think about this, and i cry.
with every drop i say i love you and hope to die.
i won't look in your eyes, i know now, its a disguise.
you don't know what i feel,
its so hard to deal.
catch me, in the rain,
hold my hand, and feel my pain.
become one,
and i'll stand there til time is done.
i love it when it rains.
i love the feel of pain.
its my time,
i lost, i lived my life,
i pay the cost.
carry me far from here,
away from you,
but you're still near.
whereever i am, the rain will fall,
and i'll stand still, careful not to think at all.
i love it when it rains.

Blank

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my thoughts at 06:27 pm by fullcollapse
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[ no one should ever feel the way that i feel now ]

ok so i buy a dress and for what? nothing. john is going out with amanda now. so screw homecoming... he actually felt really bad and he should have. i made him feel like total shit. and what he doesnt know is how much i cryed last night. he isnt going to homecoming now, and neither am i. he was like it wouldnt be fair to you if i went with amanda and it wouldnt be fair to amanda if i went with you. i was about to say acutally it would, because you had asked me and she had had another date. but i didnt.

how can one person hurt you so much? he has put me thru more shit than anyone. i hate to say it but i think he has made me cry more than i cryed over the death of my grandmother.

last night i had the perfect opportunity to tell john that amanda had cheated on him. but i didnt. i could bring myself to. it wouldnt be right coming from me. and i doubt he would have believed me. he would have said i only said it because the way i feel for him.

but i did succeed in making him feel really bad. he told me to tell him what to do and he said he would do what i say. but i was like "im not going to tell you. you already know that i want to go with you. but i am not telling you to go with me, because you want amanda. i know how you DONT feel about me" i dont want him to go with me because i want him to. it would kill me to go with him now because he would rather be with amanda. i was like even if you arent going to homecoming now, you will still be with amanda. meanwhile i will still be at home by myself.

god this shit always happens to me. i decided that if you dont expect anything youre world wont come crashing down. so i have given up hope. hope in everything. hope is a useless emotion. as for me i have too much trust in people. i realize im no longer trusting anything or anyone. they only hurt me in the end.

john will never know that i cryed. cuz im not telling him. fuck him. hes hurt me too many times. and he said he was sorry for ever hurting me. but its bull. he would just do it again. i have learned my lesson.

as for me now,
i will sit here and let myself,
be carried off by the wind.
land somewhere far away,
start a new life,
where you aren't.
but really it does no use,
every where, is a person like you.
never will i open up,
being open makes you a target,
for pain and hurt.
i trusted you too easily,
but i have learned,
never to love anyone.

i still cant get out of this hole. i dug myself too deep. i can cry out but no one will hear.

my thoughts at 01:19 pm by fullcollapse
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