[ full collapse ]

Saturday, August 23, 2003

[ a ghost is all thats left ]

its 10:33. i didn't do anything tonight. hey the night is still sorta young. lol

i have a desire to call dave. but 2nd day is playing right now. probaly until 11 or something. i dunno actually. i'm not sure if like i like him, or if i just really wanna make out with someone. lol. yeah well i can't wait to tell jess that i just put that in my blog. lol. she and i are weird like that. we talk about needing to get some. too bad she's outta town, her half-sister-in-law is having a baby. lol that sounded so weird, but like she has a half brother, and his wife if having a baby. hopefully you're not confused anymore.

but yeah i think since its just been awhile since i've kissed anyone, i wanna kiss dave. lol. the last person i kissed was shaun, but it was the night after i got back from north carolina, and we were staying at stephs. jack and steph were upstairs in steph's room. and shaun and i had the basement. i didn't mind sleeping with shaun ( not sex course lol ), cuz he is after all my best friend. i'm totally comfortable around him but yeah shaun and i had layed around talking in the dark. and he kinda just had taken my head and kissed me. i'm not sure why, but i kissed him back. lol. ok so i'm gonna sound dumb talking about my best friend and kissing him. lol but he is a good kisser. but its not that weird, cuz he and i had dated back in the day. lol. so yeah. i dunno. needless to say i regretted in the next morning. so my point is, i dunno if i kiss dave, if i will regret it afterwards.

i'm confused. cuz last night online, dave was like "you hate me and you didn't want to kiss me tonight" and i was like "what? i dont hate you, and you don't know whether or not i wanted to kiss you." the truth is i sorta did want to, but not around everyone. but yeah i dunno. i have talked about this long enough lol.

so yeah i am listening to thrice. i love them.

man i love my new cell phone. i am such a homo. but i love it. hehe my happiness will die down in a few days.

i get to go shopping tomorrow. woo hoo FINALLY. hehe

well i am gonna go. ill update later tonight..

i'm due for a miracle. i'm waiting for a sign. i'll stare straight into the sun, and i won't close my eyes.

my thoughts at 10:41 pm by fullcollapse
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[ tell my friends i'm dead ]

ok well i'm sitting at work right now. lol. im bored so i decided to get online.

i guess i'm not doing anything tonight. i really wanted to see 2nd day play again. but no ride means no seeing 2nd day. pooie.. that makes me so mad..

so i've been sitting here and this is what i have come up with...

soon i'll be alone again,
with no one to call a friend,
well thats a lie,
but believe me, i'll still cry.
i'm losing them all,
and soon i'll begin to fall.
because you'll be gone,
no one will be here for this song.

even though you're feelings exist no more,
you still make me smile,
just like you did before.

follow your dreams,
unless they are so far out of sight,
you can't see them.

yeah so obviously i have been bored. lol. well its 7:08 and i get off at 8. i have been here since 4. blahhh... john and chris went to bernie's to see someone play. then they are heading over to see the dizzle. i didn't wanna ask them to have to come all the way back to reynoldsburg to then go to refugee. so yeah. and i didn't wanna ask dave. he wouldn't have been able to bring me home since tonight he has to take home the equipment. i could always have gotten a ride with chris or adam home. but oh well...

maybe i can talk my dad into going to the dollar movies tonight. or i'll see what megan's up to. hmm

well i should probably be going. since i'm supposed to be working and all.

i'm leaving you, this time its for good.

my thoughts at 07:10 pm by fullcollapse
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[ don't try to fix me, i'm not broken ]

yeah thats weird.. i didn't update when i got home last night. i went to steph's around 4:30. i didn't get to go shopping yesterday. but yeah

i got my new cell phone. and im absolutly in love with it. lol.

last night it was steph, adam, shaun, patty, amanda, john, bransen, shawn and i. john and amanda were all kissy kissy. but when it was just amanda steph and i, i was like are you and john going back out? and she was like no, she doesn't really know whats going on between them. i dunno if she knows how i feel about him, but she probably does. but yeah... shes really nice.

shaun's truck broke down, he and patty got a ride with john.

steph won these two blow up aliens lol. she got one for adam. lol.

while 2nd day played, john, who the king of benching, got benched. after years of being the bencher, he turned into the benchee. and then got really mad and pouted by sitting on the ground. amanda was supposed to be the bencher, but steph was instead. adam was the bench. john was upset i felt bad, i tried to go talk to him, but he wouldn't talk to me, even though i had nothing to do with the whole thing. so the rest of the night i was paranoid i was gonna get benched lol.

dave didnt know what benching was, so the deal was to bench him. i dunno if we ever did.

dave's mom was there last night i felt kinda weird cuz i dunno. i smiled at her though. but last night online dave said she said i didnt wave or say hi or smile. i was like ok? shes really a nice lady.

2nd day did good. brian of course left right after they played cuz dave told him he could. LIKE A DUMBASS. john shaun amanda and patty left around 11. probably cuz patty had to be home. remember shes only gonna be a sophomore. lol. nah jk.

shaun gave me a big hug and said he loved me. i missed my twin a lot. lol. he was like to patty, this is my best friend thats a girl. he knew i was upset with him though. he said we are gonna hang soon, i'm not really counting on it though. hes going to north carolina soon, he told me he would bring me something back, i had brought him a smallville poster. he loved it. lol.

dave was like flirting with me, sorta? and everyone saw it, but i mean i kinda like him, but i told chris i dont, because dave gets annoying. but i dunno. we were talking about homecoming, and i was like yeah i have a dress and no date. shaun wants me to go with ricky. lol. but i told shaun i probably just wont go. which will suck cuz everyone is going, but i dunno.

man ricky looked HOT last night. lol me and him talked but not much. he's so adorable. the giant blow up aliens were taller than he and i both. lol

john seemed kinda sad early in the night, but then he was an ass to me. but then he wasn't. he was kinda flirty. but not. it was weird.

i dunno.

but i think maybe i should get going. this is kinda long. ill update more later.

your voice chased away all the sanity in me

my thoughts at 11:44 am by fullcollapse
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Friday, August 22, 2003

[ a walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises ]

for some strange reason my mom is working at home today. she woke me up at 10. i was mad. i didnt go to bed til 1:30 and then i woke up at 6:15 and couldn't go back to sleep. grrr...

but yeah soon we are going to meijers and i'm dropping off my last 3 rolls of film from france, and one of the rolls from Madlab, so John and Chris will stop bugging me about it. lol. i still have a roll of them but it only has 15 pictures taken on it. so i have to use the other 9 somehow. so yeah..

i'm going shopping today for school clothes. which makes me happy. lol. i need some pants.

tonight i'm going to see 2nd day play. john was being a complete ass when i asked for a ride the other night. i was like "are you going to see 2nd day?" and he goes "yes. and no i won't take you". i was like "i would have given you gas money but oh well" and hes all like "i don't need gas money" and grrr he makes me mad. i don't see why he wouldn't take me. he's probably gonna take amanda. i hope he doesn't bring a chick. grrr if he does i'll just be upset. anyways adam is now my ride there. he's taking me and steph.

i didn't even think about asking shaun. i know he's taking patty, i don't want to INTRUDE. and he still calls me his twin and his best friend yet he fucking doesn't act like i'm here. man when things don't work out for them, i won't be here. thats all i have to say. payback is a bitch. i love the taste of revenge. it's very sweet.

well i better get dressed if i am going to drop off my film.

no one should ever feel the way that i feel now

my thoughts at 10:34 am by fullcollapse
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Thursday, August 21, 2003

[ now i wanna kill you like only a best friend could ]

well its 11:39. i've been home since like 10:50? my parents were being assholes. well we lost at the game, of course. we always lose. oh well we got there like 35 minutes late, and we left at half time. it was hot, megan and carie thought so anyways, i was fine, and i was the one wearing pants, they were wearing shorts. but yeah

then we went to wendys, and decided to go to the movies. we saw Freddy VS. Jason.. lame if you ask me. the soundtrack was sweet, and the only part i liked was when freddy and jason fought each other. i really dont like scary movies. sometimes they scare me, if i have a nightmare tonight about freddy, i'm gonna be so mad, because the movie wasn't really scary.

then when i got out of the movie, my mom had called my cell 21 times. 21 TIMES! geez. and then we went driving around bored. we sat in the big bear parking lot for awhile, and these two guys thought they were cool, but they weren't which resulted in my yelling faggot. hmmm

then we decided to go to carie's. i called and asked, and i had to come home. on the way home, we were behind a slug bug and the retarded passenger had their foot out the window, which resulted in another shouting of "Faggot". they pretended like they didn't hear me. but i know they did.

all night joe and megan were cracking on carie. especially cuz she said Fat Joe died. and joe wouldn't let her live it down. it was funny as hell.

by the way if i have offended anyone by using the word "faggot" i am truly sorry.

well i think im gonna go for now. i might actually go to bed cuz i have to get back on my regular schedule since school will be starting in like 2 weeks.

and it feels like, i'm at an all time low, slightly bruised and broken, from our head on collision

my thoughts at 11:44 pm by fullcollapse
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[ i hope that you're happy, you really deserve it ]

I AM: alone

I THINK: too much

I KNOW: what love is

I WANT: to get a second chance

I HAVE: friends

I WISH: john would stop ignoring feelings

I HATE: ignorance

I MISS: my twin

I FEAR: failure, lonliness

I HEAR: dashboard confessional

I SEARCH: for light, but find only darkness

I WONDER: why the one person you need the most, is never there.

I REGRET: breaking his heart

I LOVE: john

I ACHE: for him to feel the same

I CARE: about people who don't return the feelings

I ALWAYS: have music and poetry

I AM NOT: going to cry again

I DANCE: hardly ever

I SING: this song for you

I CRY: myself to sleep at night

I DO NOT ALWAYS: think before i act

I FIGHT: my feelings

I WRITE: poetry, and one day i will be a famous poet

I WIN: appreciation

I LOSE: my self-confidence, courage, tears when they escape my eyes

I CONFUSE: myself

I LISTEN: to music everyday

I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: writing poetry or listening to music in my room by myself

I NEED: a REAL kiss, a REAL hug, from the person who means the most to me

I AM HAPPY ABOUT: ramen noodles

I SHOULD: be reading for school, and cleaning

[DESCRIBE YOUR]

[Purse]: red with a scull and crossbones on it. from hot topic. then i have a black dickies one

[Jewelry worn daily]: horseshoe barbell earrings, watch, rosary bracelet, bracelet lauren made me, the one my mom got me thats silver, jack's red and black wristband. the bracelet john gave me freshman year. my grandmothers necklace, chris' heart necklace, and the two necklaces from steph. wow thats a lot

[Pillow cover]: its white with green and blue stripes

[Shoes]: red and white etnies

[Favorite top]: taking back sunday shirt, black. or the used one from the concert, its black too.

[Favorite pants]: old looking jeans, or black capris

[Cologne/Perfume]: clinique happy, night blossom (From hot topic)

[CD in stereo right now]: dashboard is in one, in another is taking back sunday, and in the other is thrice.

[Piercings]: ears

[Hair]: dark brown, middle length?? past the shoulders, with red highlights

[What you are wearing now]: a shirt i bought in new york and a pair of jeans with tube socks

[In my mouth]: my teeth

[In my head]: thoughts of john

[Wishing]: john wasnt blind ( so to speak )

[After this]: cleaning, and getting ready for the game

[Talking to]: no one

[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: ryanoalooza, thursday concert, taking back sunday/saves the day concert

[The last thing you ate?]: ramen noodles

[Some of your favorite movies]: tommy boy, mallrats, lord of the rings ( all of them ), harry potter ( all of them ) down to you, now and then, all the star wars movies... umm others

[Something that you are deathly afraid of?]: losing my parents too early

[Do you like incense]: yep

[Do you believe in love]: of course

[Do you believe in love at first sight]: yes, but not like because they way they look, you can just tell by looking into their eyes.

[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes

[If you could have any animal for a pet]: a llama! haha megan!!!!

[What are 3 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to?]: paris ( if i could speak french better ), boston, london

[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: pasta! i eat it everyday, fries with cheese

[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: john, well guys all together actually

[In the last 24 hours, have you]

01. Cried: yes

02. Bought something: dairy queen

03. Gotten sick: nope

04. Sang: to myself

05. Eaten: yeah.. ramen noodles, dairy queen, rice

06. Been kissed: i wish

07. Felt stupid: always

08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: every minute of every day

09. Met someone new: hmmm nope

10. Moved on: nope

11. Talked to an ex: yeah, chris, shaun, john i talked to all of them

12. Missed an ex:: always

13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: yes

14. Had a serious talk: hmm can't say that i have

15. Missed someone: every minute of every day

16. Hugged someone: yeah

17. Fought with your parents: nope

18. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: every night

[Social Life]

01. Best guy friend: shaun, chris, john, dave, jack

02. Best girl friend: steph, litz, saba

03. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: none existant as of right now

04. If no, current dating partner: none. wishing though

05. Pager: nope

06. Are you center of attention or the wallflower: depends on who im with

07. What type automobile do you wish you drove: hell i dunno

08. Would you rather be with friends or on a date: both at the same time is always nice

09. Where is the best hangout: coffee shop, i miss it so very much.

10. Do you have a job: yep

11. Do you attend church: nope

12. Do you like being around people: depends which people

[Who]

01. Have you known the longest: elise

02. Do you argue the most with: my parents, or chris lol

03. Do you always get along with: litz, saba

04. Is the trustworthiest: litz, saba, maybe shaun

05. Makes you laugh the most: litz, saba, emili, kt, STEPH

06. Has been there through all the hard times: steph and litz and saba

07. Has the coolest parents: ummm i dunno

08. Have the coolest siblings: ashley. i love her sis

09. Is the most blunt: stephanie

10. Is the smartest: me, i hate to sound conceited but i think its the truth

[Personal]

01. Who is your role model: sarah michelle gellar

02. What are some of your pet peeves: backstabbers

03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: once

04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes indeed, do it all the time

05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: yeah. they are tall, with dark hair, and dark eyes.

06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): nothing big

07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: yes

08. Rather be dumper or dumped: both are horrible

09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": relationship

10. Want someone you don't have right now: of course. i have wanted him more and more ever since he broke my heart

11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: john was my best friend so duh

12. Do you want to get married: yeah

13. Do you want kids: ill adopt, the whole labor thing freaks me out lol

14. Do you believe in psychics: no

15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: i dont know. but lemme say i wouldnt mind marrying john, he cooks i mean come on!

16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: my eyes

17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: how i can express myself so deeply thru poetry

18. Are you happy with you: no

19. Are you happy with your life: sorta

20. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: my feelings towards people

my thoughts at 03:19 pm by fullcollapse
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[ if i could be your first real heartache ]

i just wrote this poem so i had to add it... lol

Death From Love

My death,
Was at your hands.
You choked the life out of my heart.
You looked straight into my eyes,
And without saying a word,
You said you would always love me,
But we couldn't ever be,
There has been to much between us,
None of which could be fixed.
You said,
You couldn't give me what i needed.
But what you don't know,
Is that all I needed was you.

ok im gone now

dude jack steph and i believe john is trying to get back with amanda. he still doesnt know that she cheated on him with his best friend. and we all believe STILL that he should know. especially now that he is trying to get back with her. but of course i cant say anything because well he knows as well as everyone on the planet that im in love with him. so yeah.

oh and chris hasnt shown up. its 2:35. im gonna castrate him.

I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

best friends means i pulled thr trigger, best friends means you get what you deserve

my thoughts at 01:59 pm by fullcollapse
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[ so kiss me hard cause this will be the last time that i let you ]

today is the reynoldsburg/pickerington football game. our rivalry is gay. but yeah. we usually lose. we won my freshman year. the game is at crew stadium just like it was my freshman year. ashley josh chris and i had all went together. and i was talking to ash bout it last night and i accidently put john. i was like oops sorry habit lol. i mean come on they both start with jo and they have an h in there too lol

chris is coming over, i miss hanging out with him. i can only hang out for like an hour and a half, cuz i have to get ready for the game. megan is picking me up at 4. chris will be here at 2. im gonna make him watch buffy. he never did like it. hehe

ramen noodles are my god. just thought i would put that in there, cuz i love them and im making some right now.

well i think im gonna go finish making them and then ill watch some buffy while i wait for chris to get here. ill update tonight after i get home from the game. it starts at 5 so ill probably go do something with megan and them afterwards.

its gone faster than the smell after it rains

my thoughts at 01:29 pm by fullcollapse
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003

[ don't say that everythings working, when everythings broken ]

yeah, i had a major bitch moment earlier tonight before i went to work. i found out that last night steph shaun john chris patty jack and bransen all hung out. but no one invited me, and that really hurt my feelings, i mean why shouldnt it. and i took it out somewhat on steph, but she didnt even care that i wasnt there last night so im not sorry for doin that. she tryed acting like she knew what it felt, but shes a fucking retard and she doesnt know what it feels like so that just made it worse.

2nd day is playing. i might as john to take me. he told steph no. but she thinks he will take me.? i dunno i dont get it. hmmm

well i just got home from work, nothing cool. no one came in. so i got online, and talked to people while i was supposed to be working. i talked to dave and ashlee. dave had left me a message and it said " can i leave a message? i love you :)" he said it cuz my away message was like this " im tired of everyones fucking bullshit and their lies, i cant even count on my closest friends anymore, so fuck off. im at work dont bother to leave a message" but dave made me happy when he wrote that to me. even though i wasnt mad anymore when i got it, but yeah.

shaun is just being a fuckface. he cant have more than one female in his life at a time. the same thing happened with korina, but not quite this bad. oh and the worst thing is he lied to me about last night. he said he only hung out with patty, and steph and jack for a bit. he didnt bother to mention, john chris or bransen. god i could just castrate shaun right now.

well im gonna go. im hungry.

this just in... everyone is at jessie's, she's having a get together tonight. just another example of no one asking me to do anything. im fucking tired of this.

i should not be suprised. i should have seen it sooner.

my thoughts at 08:49 pm by fullcollapse
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[ reading your note over again, theres not a word that i comprehend ]

ok well today i have to work at 4:30 until 8:00. woo hoo. sike. if i find something to do, i will have to wait until after i get off. GAY. but oh well.

i talked to dave on the phone last night. not really anything important, just retarded stuff. then he wouldnt talk like a big homo. but then i finally got him to go to bed. he had to work at 6:15 this morning. poor guy.

blah there isnt much to say. except that i miss saba!!! shes one of my best friends, and she needs to come back! right now!!!! shes been gone 10 days! emili doesnt think she will be back til around the 27th. thats another week. poop.

saba and kt ( yes john's sis ) think johnny depp is hotter than orlando bloom. lol its funny cuz emili and i think the opposite. we are weird people.

i'm mad at shaun because he blew me off yesterday. he hung out with patty. and hung out with steph and jack a little too. and we had made plans to hang out. and he had cancelled monday and moved it to tuesday, but that didnt happen. poo on him. and he doesnt even know that im upset. geez he cant even tell im not being myself towards him. i barely talk to him. and he doesnt notice anythings wrong.

i think tonight when i go to work ill take the great gatsby with me, so if its slow, which i hope it will be, i can read. ive only worked those hours once before, and it was kinda not really busy. but i hope its not busy. lol

click here.. its my link to my website with pictures of me and my friends.

here is the link for the site i made with dbd pics. DBD Photo Directory

for the day before disaster site. click this link.

well i think im gonna go for right now.

you smile like a saint, but ya curse like a sailor

my thoughts at 11:12 am by fullcollapse
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