how can one person hurt you so much? he has put me thru more shit than anyone. i hate to say it but i think he has made me cry more than i cryed over the death of my grandmother.
last night i had the perfect opportunity to tell john that amanda had cheated on him. but i didnt. i could bring myself to. it wouldnt be right coming from me. and i doubt he would have believed me. he would have said i only said it because the way i feel for him.
but i did succeed in making him feel really bad. he told me to tell him what to do and he said he would do what i say. but i was like "im not going to tell you. you already know that i want to go with you. but i am not telling you to go with me, because you want amanda. i know how you DONT feel about me" i dont want him to go with me because i want him to. it would kill me to go with him now because he would rather be with amanda. i was like even if you arent going to homecoming now, you will still be with amanda. meanwhile i will still be at home by myself.
god this shit always happens to me. i decided that if you dont expect anything youre world wont come crashing down. so i have given up hope. hope in everything. hope is a useless emotion. as for me i have too much trust in people. i realize im no longer trusting anything or anyone. they only hurt me in the end.
john will never know that i cryed. cuz im not telling him. fuck him. hes hurt me too many times. and he said he was sorry for ever hurting me. but its bull. he would just do it again. i have learned my lesson.
as for me now,
i will sit here and let myself,
be carried off by the wind.
land somewhere far away,
start a new life,
where you aren't.
but really it does no use,
every where, is a person like you.
never will i open up,
being open makes you a target,
for pain and hurt.
i trusted you too easily,
but i have learned,
never to love anyone.
i still cant get out of this hole. i dug myself too deep. i can cry out but no one will hear.