yeah so john definatley is going with amanda to homecoming. i wanna yell at him so much because he lied to me. but fuck it. i dont give a shit anymore. i am tired of him. i'm getting over him. i'm leaving him in the past and this time its for good.  wish me luck. also i do believe everyone is pitching in and having a hotel party. which everyone except me is invited to. which makes me want to chop off johns dick. after school he came back and picked amanda up right... bitch never would do that for me.. and well he talked to ryan about the hotel and i talked to jen. then they left and i was standing right next to him right, and he walked away from me, and didnt even say a word to me. i was like uh ok asshole.

what i miss the most is the friendship we had before. we could sit together and talk and it wouldnt be gay and awkward. he was there for me when i needed him and i needed to talk to him. we were close and now we are just friends who dont even talk. and that upsets me. if i cant have a relationship with him, then i should at least be able to have a good friendship right? i at least deserve that, but obviously thats impossible. kaitlin doesn't get the great friendship moments. no not anymore. i have pretty much given up on life.

i seriously sat and thought the other day, that if i died, who would come to my showing, and who would go to my funeral. and who would cry?  i talked to erin about this, and she has wondered the same thing. the sad part is we actually thought about faking our own deaths, to see. i talked to shaun about it ( at least hes allowed to still talk to me, im waiting for the day when he is so controlled by patty he will stop talking to me all together) well i told him how i felt and how i wanted to know how many people really cared about me, and how many would come to my funeral. and how i wondered who would care enough and be sad enough to let at least one tear drop from their eye. and shaun told me to not think like that and that he would definately go to my funeral and he would definately cry. and that made me feel a little better. but i want to know if dave, and john, and chase, and adam, like if the people im not close to would go. i want to know if john would cry. and chris and ryan. would the world really notice if another depressed 16 year old girl was dead? and its at this point that i wonder would my school notice. would my friends be lost without me. i really want to know. and i sat around and thought about this and bawled my eyes out. i dont want to die really, but then again i sit and think that ok ive done so many things and experienced so much at this age, that would i really be missing out if i died. i found someone i loved, i had the chance of a lifetime to go to europe, i had some great friends, and a great family.... so now i give up on life. not necissarily to die, but i give up the world of fun. since i sit around by myself all the time, listening to music. i mean what do i do that is considered living. because that sure isnt.