ok so well its been a hell of a few days... friday night shaun and i went to the football game. i was happy to hang out with my twin. i love him. and that night john found out amanda cheated on him. and supposedly he had wanted to take me instead to homecoming. but that didnt happen. but he did go to ridgeways that night to get drunk, and me shaun and chris went over there to make sure he was ok. when we got there the beer wasnt there yet so he wasnt drunk, but we finally left and he gave us all hugs, i was last and i gave him this big hug and he squeezed me a little extra squeeze. i felt so bad for the guy not just because i want him badly lol but because he is one of my best friends and i care about him.

but yeah so yesterday ( saturday, the day of homecoming ) i had to work, and all my friends went to homecoming. jacks away message made me feel better though, it said KAITLIN I LOVE YOU WISH YOU WERE HERE BABES! so that made me happy. my brother felt bad for me so he and i went to the movies and he wanted to see Freddy VS Jason and i was like ok whatever even though i had already seen it. and i came home and went to bed so i wouldnt have to talk to anyone about homecoming.

i guess john and amanda are still going out. ill never understand him. he said he "loved" her. which is bullshit because i of all people know how he is. he told me he "loved" me too. and i was stupid enough to believe it. i wish everyday now that i had never fallen for him. but oh well. what can you do.

jack said homecoming was fun and he made me mad by talking about it. so when i talked to shaun the first thing i said was i dont wanna hear about homecoming. and he told me it sucked and it wasnt fun. so it was ok lol. shaun always makes me feel better.

but the winner of the prize of making my day goes to dave. he made me realize that to get over john i have to truly want it. and i realized that i didnt wanna get over him. because i would constantly think " what if he comes back, i want to still be here" but i learned thats not the way to think. if theres any doubt even way back in the back of your mind, then you wont move on. so i really do want to move on now. well im trying at least. if i really do love him, then yeah i will always have those feelings for him but it wont get me down now. i wont let it. im gonna live my life and if for some strange ray of hope, john comes back then i'll be the happiest girl alive, but im still going to be happy either way. ive tried to be positive all day, and it worked for a little bit, and i was like hey if john is happy being with a cheating slut, then hey im happy for him. ill always be here for him though and i hope he knows it.

today he took me to pic up the madlab pics and the thoughts of how i like him so much came back and i was just like its not meant to be. at least not now. so give it up. but i did it in a positive way. i think if i get down again like i have been dave is going to kick me. lol.

the only thing is, when im alone, im still depressed. i sat in my room or i slept today. my mom is getting worried. shes realized im depressed. and yesterday she tried her best to cheer me up. i told her i think i have borderline personality disorder and she and i are gonna research it. the only fear i have is going to a doctor. shaun is the only one who knows this. he was like i feel so bad that you have to go thru this. and i was like yeah me too. it would be nice to be one of those normal people who never have to deal with being sad and depressed. but theres nothing to really do about it. so yeah. i love shaun. lol

well there was my weekend. ill be off now.

im trading them in for my pride war emblem.